Saturday, September 19, 2009

Can I check the mail?

Can I check the mail? A very simple request my little one has asked me every day this week. I thought nothing of it. I should have.
She's been very obviously stressed for days but not really talking. Today we were cleaning the kitchen together and she asks again if she can check the mail and I tell her that it's too early. She stops for a minute, looking intently into my eyes, searching for the safety to ask her next question.
"Did my mom get my letter cause she hasn't written me back".
"I wrote __________ a letter and I put it in the mailbox. I didn't know how to spell her name so I put mom but I know you are my mom."
Oh much sadness in her eyes now and all I know to do is hug her. I tell her that I am not sure if she has gotten yet, buying myself a little time.
She said "I just asked her something and told her that I hate her".
What did you ask her baby?
"I asked her cause she left me and I went to sleep and woke up and things was crawlin on me. Moms don't do that do they mommy? And I made a heart and put an x in it cause I don't love her."
9, 9 year olds shouldn't have to ask those types of questions. 9 year olds should not have to be disposable.
I told her as sweetly as I could that I loved her very very much and that her birthday mommy didn't know how to be a mommy and that she worked very hard to make sure that she got to come and live with a mom like me.
"And you make me hot chocolate"
"And you don't let things crawl on me"
"And I can eat here"
"Yes baby, of course, and I'm so happy that you are here. I love you being my baby of the heart," I managed to squeak out.
Again she asks to go check the mail and despite the fact that it's only 9 am, I let her because she is waiting. She is waiting to know the answers to questions that I don't think can be answered. I am praying that in this case her simplistic thinking will be our saving grace.
I've thought alot about it all day. I've cried about it. I've also decided that tomorrow when my little girl gets off the bus and checks the mail, that she will have a letter from her birthday mom.
I will write the words her mother was too sick to write to questions my baby girl never got to ask. I will tell her that I am sorry. I will tell her that I am proud of how hard she has worked to get better. I will tell her that I never learned how to be a mommy and that I am glad she has a forever family. I will answer the questions that 9 year old babies should never ever have to ask.
And this is how it went....
I wrote about thirty versions of a letter in which I had no idea what I wanted to say. I thought about my dad. What would I want him to say. Mostly just I'm sorry.
Ugh anyway so she got home at three thirty. and ran right to the mailbox as she has every day for far too many...
She stopped and looked through the mail, she stopped on one, studied it. She recognized her name but not most of the words. She brought it in and said "Mommy does that say Jaylin" And I said yes. She said, "And does that say ___________?" I said yes. "What else does it say mom," she asked?  As I read the letter to her, I watched her face soften. She said, "What do you think she is saying at me mommy."
I think she is saying that she is sorry sweetie and she is saying that she didn't know how to be a mommy and so she did the only thing that she knew to do. She let you go even though it made her so very sad.
And my baby girl curled up into my arms for a moment, soaking in the words, resting on me. After a few moments she hopped up and asked to call her daddy. She told him about the letter and what they both said. Content, she hung up and walked away.
Completely relaxed and calm she laughed her way outside. The next two hours I watched as she rode back and forth on her bike and laughed and was little. If only I could make her little everyday....

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