I am the adoptive mother to two girls who were
adopted out of the therapeutic foster care system. While I write frequently
about the highs and lows of being a trauma mama, I think it is equally
important to know how we got here. My girls case is the epitome of a failing
system.
I know this is long and difficult to read, but I
beg of you to please pass it on. Their story must be told so that other
children, other families, do not have to go through this most awful journey.
While I am, in many ways, broken beyond repair; it is my desire that no one
else reach this point of helplessness. In knowledge there is hope for a better
tomorrow.
I doubt if people knew things like this were
allowed to happen that they would allow it to continue. Many times people are
afraid to talk about this sort of thing, some are even embarrassed and that, to
me, is a tragedy far worse than what happened. Silence allows the atrocities
that broke my girls to continue...we will not be silent.
From the Beginning
In Nov. 1998, at four months old, one of my girls
was given to her father. When her sister was born in August of 1999, she was
also sent to live with him. It is important to note that at the same time she
was sending the babies to live with their father, the birth mother had a
restraining order against him.
In May 2001 the father broke the order of
protection after he choked her and beat her head into the door. The children
remained in his home.
The following includes quotes
that were taken from the termination of parental rights hearing:
In December of 2001 the family was threatened with
eviction due to the filth in the home. Upon being inspected by DCS, it was
found
"smoke was so thick in the residence that it
was hard to breathe. I could see smoke in the house. There was a large ashtray on
the end table full and running over onto the coffee, onto the table. There were
two highchairs in the kitchen and the highchair trays and the highchairs were
caked with dried, molded. dirty food that did not appear to be fresh food and
was caked on at least half an inch thick.” This is where my babies ate . . .
“The floor was dirty, covered in old food, trash,
animal feces, and roaches.” This
is where my babies played. . .
“The baby bed in the babies’ room was falling apart
and tied together with string. The plastic covering over the baby mattress was
torn and only about half of the covering was still on the mattress. There were
pieces of foam torn loose from inside the mattress and it was all about the
baby bed, all about the floor." This is where my babies slept. . .
Upon returning several days later to see what had
been done to remedy the situation, nothing was found.
“The children still had on the same clothing they
did days before. Their hair was matted. Their faces and skin were dirty; they
had on dirty diapers and smelled of urine. There were live crawling lice
running rampant in their hair.” This is what my babies looked like. . .
“The bathtub was black from never ever being
cleaned out.” This is
where my babies bathed. . .
“One month later when they returned conditions were
worse, the same food found a month ago was still caked on the highchair.”
Family services were put into place but the father
refused to cooperate and never did clean the home or the children. They were
repeatedly sent home with head lice from their head start program.
How is it legally ok to walk away from this scene
and leave two small children?
In August of 2002 police again became involved
after my kiddos were found on a major highway unattended. The children were
unable to speak and tell the officers who they were; or maybe they just wanted
to forget. After some time, they were identified, and returned. Another warning
was made by DCS.
In October 17 of 2002 a case manager came to the
home. The father did not answer the door.
“From the window two small girls could be seen
bungee corded in a room together, they both appeared to be trying to get loose
and open the door.” The police were called and the children were
removed.
On Oct. 23, 2002, the Sullivan County Juvenile
court returned the children to the father, ignoring DCS’s concerns for their
safety.
On October 31, 2002, DCS again removed the children
after they had been sent home multiple times from head start for head lice.
Their father chopping off their hair, in no particular fashion, was his only
attempt to help them. At this time it was also discovered that the smallest of
the children had hickies on their inner thighs and stomach.
On Nov. 2002 a permanency plan was devised for both
parents.
Six months later, May 9, 2003, this plan had not
been followed and DCS filed for termination of parental rights. Between this
day and Feb. 28, 2005 there were over 30 court hearings, many of which
continuances due to the father's attorney not having what he was supposed to.
One of the most ridiculous continuances was allowed due to the father being in
jail for attempted murder and his attorney arguing that “he could not
adequately defend himself from jail.”
In September 2003 the father was again charged with
violating an order of protection and sent to jail until May of 2004. It must be
noted here that up until he was placed in jail he had weekly visitation with
the children at a local McDonald’s, supervised by the Department of Children’s
Services.
On Nov. 7, 2003 the children moved into my home
after a stay with another foster family. This family wanted one of the children
but not the other due to behavioral issues. My girls were tiny and still did
not speak much. One of the girls, at five years old, weighed 22lbs; the other,
at 4 years old weighed 23.
We began therapy at the children's advocacy center
at this time as well.
It was weeks before the children would even let me
touch them and months before I held them in my arms. It started with painted
fingernails. First, I could paint their nails, then, I could massage their
hands, and "see if you sit a little closer I can paint your toes too.”
On March 2004 the judge ended the trial and said
that he wanted all the attorneys to resubmit briefs within thirty days and that
within thirty days of that he would make a decision regarding the termination
of parental rights.
In June of 2004 the father was again jailed for
stabbing the mother after breaking into her home. He stayed in jail until Nov.
2004.
The children’s issues were complex and sadly common
for those who have experienced childhood trauma. We worked desperately to find
them the care that they needed. It was and continues to be a seemingly
impossible process as the mental health system is just as bad as the judicial
system.
In June 2004 we were referred to another therapist
after the girls were officially diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
This diagnosis necessitated a more intensive type of therapy. A couple of
months later we began seeing the new therapist and a psychiatrist with our
local mental health agency.
In July 2004 I wrote a letter to the court begging
his honor to please uphold his original commitment to make a decision after the
briefs were turned in in March 2004.
On a Friday in August 2004, the judge sent out a
letter to all attorneys stating that if they did not have their briefs turned
in within ten days he would not consider them and would make a decision as to
termination of parental rights.
The following Monday the judge collapsed dead in
the courtroom. No, I’m not kidding!
He was taken to the hospital and pronounced brain dead. His wife refused to
accept this and had him transferred to a Nashville hospital where he awoke many
months later and began recovery. The other local judges refused to touch the
case if there was a chance of the previous judge’s return, so we waited on a
miracle.
In Oct. of 2005, the judge returned to work made
decisions from home because he was too sick to come into work.
On Nov. 28 of 2005 Termination was granted, again
from the Judge's home.
On Dec. 28, 2005, the very last day for an appeal
to happen, the father's attorney, without ever talking to him, filed an appeal.
Even further detrimental was the fact that the Sullivan County Court did not
acknowledge the appeal and let us proceed with the adoption.
January 2, 2006, I am told it is finally over, no
one had been made aware of the Dec. 28 appeal before giving me the "good
news." We celebrate and send out and up praises to God.
January 15, 2006, I am told, "oops, they
didn't realize that the dad's attorney had appealed." I am also told that
our pending adoption, and the guardianship order, previously granted were
cancelled.
At this point, we did not know what to do. We had
already told the kids they were ours forever. We had already given them their
new names. They were so excited. We finally decided to proceed as if they were
actually adopted and hope that nothing else went wrong.
March 6, 2006, the appeal information was submitted
to the Appeals Court of Knoxville by the Department of Children’s Services. I am
told that this process is supposed to take about six months
September 5, 2006, the father's attorney finally
chooses to turn in his briefs. Six months were allowed to pass, despite the
fact that he was supposed to have this done within thirty days of filing the
appeal. He also did not do this until the court reprimanded him.
September 27, 2006 the children finally begin
therapy to address their extreme abuse, neglect, and loss issues.
Several months later, after multiple setbacks, we
reached our breaking point. As I prayed and fussed with God about this whole
situation, I asked, or demanded, or whatever you call it, with Him about
whether or not we were doing what we were supposed to do. As many of you know
this whole process was incredibly painful and at times completely
overwhelming.
I said to Him, "I'm tired of fighting the
system, if we are supposed to do this, or even if we are not supposed to do
this, I want the girls’ case to come to a conclusion this year."
At 8 am the very next morning, Friday March 2,
2007, DCS received news that we had finally gained termination of their
parent’s rights; 3 years and over 30 court hearings later...
We had to wait an additional thirty days to see if
the father or his attorney chose to appeal to the Supreme Court.
On April 2, 2007 the children were finally made
free for adoption.
On June 20, 2007, in a hearing that lasted less
than 15 minutes, surrounded by a small handful of friends and family, our
four-year fight ended. No glory, no fireworks, just a little old man signing
some paperwork. It just seemed to be such a mundane ending to something we all
have worked so hard for. Strangely quiet and unremarkable for something that
has changed my life so drastically.
My children have suffered more than most will ever
have nightmares about. I know they are troubled. I know they may never get
better, but they are my babies. I love them. I will love them even if that is
all I am ever able to do.
How horribly sad for the kids, yes we see things like this happen far too often in this country and it is always the children who suffer the most. Thank you for telling their story.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading. I firmly believe that in knowledge, there is hope!
ReplyDelete