Jesus, healing, and forgiveness

I've been thinking lately about when Jesus was on the cross and said, "Father forgive them"... I have struggled with the forgiveness I extended to someone years ago and the recent recurrence of trauma symptoms over what was forgiven. I don't understand really. I forgave, I let go, I moved forward but I got a little too close to the old situation and before I knew it I was 10 yr old Jessica. Not good. Not good at all.
I've questioned if I forgave or if I forgave "enough" since my nightmares and feelings were back. Tonight I was reminded that Jesus extended forgiveness while still dying. He wasn't healed. He didn't feel better when he forgave. His forgiveness didn't magically fix His wound so its OK that forgiveness didn't fix mine. Its OK for me to still feel pain about those things. One day it will get better, just not now.

Sexual Sin...Now that you have finally showed up...I have something to say

The post below was written in 2015, but with the Coalition of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood "Nashville Statement" on biblical sexuality that was released today, my heart screamed it needed to be shared again. 

In 2015 my news feed and inbox were flooded with comments and messages from my Christian friends and acquaintances over the Supreme Court decision to legalize same sex marriage. I must say that in all my years of being their friend, I had never heard sexual sin more talked, worried, prayed, and stressed about. Most seemed certain that because of the SCOUS approval of what they deemed sexual sin; the United States, and many who I love and care for, are doomed. Their lament and public admonishment of this sexual sin has continued to be passionate, loud, and nothing short of zealous. 

While despite the fact that I do not agree that those within the LGBTQIA community are in the wrong, I suppose, that on some level, I can appreciate the excitement about exposing and ending sexual sin. You see,  I have spent years trying to get people to pay attention to the devastation caused by sexual sin with almost no response.

With each new post, part of me, honestly, most of me, feels nothing but rage. Post after post has been made about consenting adults getting married, the transgender community, or about how awful the sexual sin of homosexuality is. It is apparently so awful that God might destroy our entire nation and damn both those who are LGBTQ+ and those who support them straight to hell.

The problem is this…

Where have you been? More importantly however, what about this sexual sin, as you call it, consensual sex between two adults who love one another, is so important that after years of ignoring other sexual sins, you have shown up now?

I have spent my lifetime in churches. I have lived a lifetime of sexual abuse, at the hands of many. I have parented child after child through the foster care system who has experienced sexual abuse. I spent twenty years sitting in church every single Sunday and no one ever mentioned sexual abuse or rape, not once.

Why is two adults having consensual sex more terrible than a father holding his child down and having sex with her? Why is two adults getting married more awful than young girls being sold into sexual slavery? Why does no one care about that? Why does no one see me? Why does no one see my girls? Why does no one see or care about the one in three women who experience those things before the age of 18? Why is homosexuality the worst sexual sin? Why is it so much worse that it is the only one you want to talk about?  I just can't make sense of it. 

I’m disgusted by your apathy to the least of these and your hatred of those who are choosing to love because that love does not look like yours. It is nothing short of hatefulness based on biblical passages enmeshed between others you choose to ignore. We never got to choose, and you never said a word. Where was our protest? Where was our sermon? Where was our prayer vigil? Where was our statement? Where were you?

Every single post about same sex marriage, the transgender community, or homosexuality feels like a violation of everything I am because it is a reminder of the nothing that was ever done to protect me and the many many people I have encountered over the years who are longing for the church to step up and say something. Not to "the gays" but to the rapists, to the child molesters, to the sex offenders, to those really committing sexual sin. 

Why I Hate Same Sex Marriage Protests

Wanna know why I hate protests against gay marriage? Aside from ridiculous reason that it should not be a reason to discriminate or hate anyone? Aside from the fact that most people who protest quote Leviticus 18:22 but care nothing about Leviticus 11:12 that says eating shellfish is also an abomination...but I digress...

Even if I agreed that same sex marriage was wrong (which I don't), the world is bigger than same sex marriage.

In 20 years of church attendance...guess how many times I have heard molestation mentioned?

NEVER

Guess how many times I have heard child abuse mentioned?

NEVER

And my girls, they are so sick from both they can never really let me love them.

They are so broken, Jesus and healing are a dream never dreamed about.

But nobody marches for them.

No one protests.

And no one makes signs about this one time your dad gave you herpes.

And I hate them.

I hate them for ignoring victims and protesting consenting adults.

My girls never consented and I am so sorry.

The church should be ashamed.

Jesus never said this was ok, and He is flipping tables at their gay marriage protest, because His children are dying.

And to my girls, to every victim of child abuse, sexual abuse, or rape I need to say...

I am so sorry, I am so deeply sorry because Sunday after Sunday I used to sit and hope someone would say something, anything to please tell your story....but it never came...because the gays are getting married and no one gives a damn that your face hurts from your latest breakout or that you have once again pushed your mother away because being alone is better than hoping God would protect you. I'm sorry you can't let your boyfriend hold you or stand the smell of ivory soap because it reminds you of your dad...

I'm sorry. I'm so very deeply sorry.

I won't be back. Not anytime soon, not until I find a place that sees past the same sex couple to the child suffering mental illness after years of physical and sexual abuse. I won't, my heart can't take being ignored anymore, but I am not the only mother of a broken child, and I pray you pause and see them, because they are being lost forever and it won't be long before they leave too. 

It's Just a Flag and Other Lies We Believe

The Nazi symbol was never made to symbolize the death of millions of Jews...but when seen it is what it brings to mind. Thousands of Germans died fighting for their cause, but it did not make their cause right, though I am sure their families grieved their loss heavily.                                                               

I will post here what I posted somewhere else earlier. I actually am quite familiar with what the confederate flag actually was, but I am glad you posted it because I think a lot of people get all excited and don’t know why and for those who wish to support what the flag represents, this is a great informational piece. While the rectangular version of the battle flag that is most well known and frequently hung was not the officially adopted confederate flag, the battle flag WAS very much part of the confederate flag as the website you got the above information from stated.

Though to be quite honest, that point is mute in my opinion... I don't really think it matters whether it was a battle flag or the adopted confederate flag,

I've pretty much left the confederate flag issue alone that erupted after the murder of nine precious people in Charleston, SC by a racist and hateful human being alone because I have my hands full with too much other stuff, but my stepdaughter shared something earlier and it did two things; one, it pointed out to me how very much people in my own home were being hurt by post like this one and the flag being flown and two, I think it is a really telling photo that is worthy of discussion.

I have distant relatives who were confederate soldiers and while I understand the need some people may have to honor those people (I don't), there is also a big difference in honor and celebration. There is also a difference in a private person choosing to honor what they believe were the admirable actions of their ancestors (again, I don't) and the state or government choosing to display a symbol that is the cause of such heartache for so many.

No, it won't change ignorance or racist attitudes and I agree that it is a matter of the heart, but to semi quote Jon Stewart there has got to be something incredibly hurtful and demoralizing to drive on roads named after generals who fought to keep you from driving or walking into a courthouse expecting justice with the flag representative of the battle to keep you from having rights flying above it. It’s just not ok.

As Christians we are called to love others. We are called to make their burden less. I can't find anywhere that it says if its convenient or if it makes sense to you or if the burden you are easing is a burden to you too...it simply says...bear one another's burdens.

I’ve seen some friends posting about how they are not racist and they are right, everyone isn't a racist, and everyone may not be offended, but many are hurt and offended. I know my Stephen is, I know his children are, I know many of my black friends and family find that symbol hurtful the same way Jewish people find the Nazi symbol hurtful.

I’ve also had many friends saying all of this is merely political and please know that I do understand that there are people grandstanding and using an act by a racist man to promote their own agendas, but I also think it is an excellent opportunity for the Christian community to show up and use what Satan meant for evil for good...

It is an opportunity for healing and to show those behind the loudness of politics that may be being used by political leaders that we love and care about them enough to stop doing something or displaying something we know is a symbol of great hurt and pain much the same as we as Christians would fight like hell if the White House decided to fly a Nazi flag because of what it symbolizes to our Jewish brothers and sisters. I'm not Jewish, technically its not even any of my business, and the Jewish people are frequently used for political purposes, but the Christian community is quick to defend and support them. Why is it so hard to do for our black brothers and sisters?

Those within the black community are hurting and they have been hurting for a very long time. We can't change history but we can do the very simple thing that they have been asking for since the civil war ended.

Why I am always in trouble in class...

In one of my most recent classes a student responded to one of my posts and said something to the effect of 

"I think it is paramount that everyone has a chance to gain an understanding of what God has in store for them and the plan that he has in mind for their life."

And you know me, I agree, but I don't. So once again I send classmates into a tizzy and professors trying to figure out what to do with me and I have resigned myself to being ok with that. I have had the blessing this last semester with a professor who has a past broken enough to get it, so she is atleast not punishing me for being honest. My response to my classmate was this.... I absolutely agree with you that people need to gain an understanding that God has a plan and purpose for their life. However, what I know that most Christians don't seem to understand is that if basic needs are not met, that plan and purpose is irrelevant to the unbeliever. Even Jesus demonstrated the importance of meeting basic needs when He fed the 5000 in Matthew 14:13-21 (New International Version). If God’s Word were enough, why would Jesus stop and feed people? Why would He interrupt His teaching to make sure that people were not hungry? I, as one who has been hungry, will tell you, He did it because He knew that until their basic needs were met they could think of nothing else. There is this really life changing episode of South Park, which is a particularly crass and terrible adult cartoon show, that I am honestly embarrassed to say I watch, but in this one episode that I saw, my God I wish that every single Christian had to watch it! In the episode the Christians were handing out bibles to the children in this African village and the children were EATING them. Wow. So very life changing, if you actually stop and think about it. We are trying to share God’s word and people are hungry, lonely, angry, sad, tired, without the most basic of needs…they can’t see our God if they are worried about the basics. We hand them a bible and they will eat it out of hunger. That is why Jesus stopped, why He chose to feed the 5000. That is why we must stop. Why we must meet the needs of the 5000. They need us. That is why we must stop trying to share Jesus while denying humans basic rights…they will NEVER hear us.FHL,Jessica

Cardinal Innovations Grievance Investigation of Families First Support Services in Shelby, NC

Through hours of blind calling I found out that when a provider does something that you feel fails to meet your child's health care needs you have a right to file a grievance with the insurance company. Because of the many negligence issues with Families First Support Services I filed multiple grievances with Cardinal Innovations. Above is their response. I am saddened to hear that the response is simply that they will continue to work with the provider to improve, especially considering the seriousness of some of the issues related to my daughter's care that were found to be true. It is my hope that by me being more public about the story parents will be able to make an educated decision in the placement of their children who need out of home care, even if Cardinal chooses to continue to use this negligent agency. 

The Chosen

A Facebook friend of mine shared a news story this week about another incidence of child abuse and posed the following question:

I've noticed it's common for abusers to pick one or two children to give the most severe abuse to. Anyone know why?

The responses were many but there was one that really stood out (deeply upset) me that I think needs to be discussed because sadly this is not the first time I have heard it.

The response was this:

I think it comes down to literally who, if anyone, is prayin for them. God limits Himself to our free will, He needs to b invited to help, save us. Some prayer warrior somewhere ignored the call to pray... It's ALL ON US AS HUMANS until He returns!! Shoot, it coulda been ME and I'm sad about that.

My first 3 responses magically disappeared before I finished typing them which I think was God's way of telling me to slow down and be respectful because what I was saying needs to be heard and not discounted because of the angry undertones of my first few attempts.

I ended up with this:

Dear Person,

That is nonsense.

I am truly sorry for whatever you have learned or saw to make you think that even saying something so awful is ok.

Child abusers are opportunistic. It is about control, coercion, and causing pain. They choose one child over another because of a variety of reasons, almost always related to the ease of which they can. Having other children in the home that they can treat normally allows them to justify their treatment of the chosen child. It is at it's most basic level sinful human beings behaving sinfully in a broken world.

What it is absolutely NOT however is the result of one child being prayed for over another and I am truly heartbroken over anyone who may see or believe that post as it justifies the very reasoning abusers use to control their victims:

NO ONE CARES FOR YOU AND IF THEY DON'T GOD DOESN'T EITHER

The truth is the child survived the abuse because people were praying for them. The truth is that child is beautiful and strong and brave and God has already used what the devil meant for good to bring healing to hundreds if not thousands.

A more practical way to view it now that my head has decompressed a bit:

In what world are the following statements biblical?

Dear Child A,
Sorry you were abandoned by your mother and beaten and raped by your father when you were five while he left your brother alone. You see, no one was praying for you.  Love,
God

Or for those unfamiliar with abuse, maybe this will make more sense as to the ridiculousness of what was said above.

Dear Child B,
Sorry you have Autism and your brother does not. When your mother was pregnant with you she and others didn't pray hard enough. Perhaps they will be more diligent next time.
Love,
God

NC Regulatory and Licensing Services Investigation of Families First Support Services in Shelby, NC

As many of you know, my daughter experienced multiple instances of neglect while in the care of Families First Support Services in Shelby, NC. After finding a great deal of difficulty in reporting what happened to my child, as well as to find other instances where agencies have been reported for abuse or neglect, I have decided to bring it public. This will be a series of posts, not in a particular order as there is a mountain of information I am sorting through right now. I do not believe any parent would knowingly put their child in harms way, but as it stands, parents have NO way to know if an agency or facility has been reported for abuse or neglect. I have spent the last two months making literally hundreds of cold calls hoping to find a way to hold this agency accountable. I have been randomly lucky and will be sharing those agencies who have been helpful as well as those who were not. I am grateful to say that Lori Davis with the NC Department of Social Services: Regulatory and Licensing Division has been very helpful and proactive in getting the information necessary to prove that FFSS violated various administrative rules. I am currently unsure of what happens now but will keep you updated. 

The difficulty in reporting what are well documented instances of negligence has been incredibly distressing to me, especially considering the fact that McDonalds has to display their health rating and a complaint number. Are our children not more important than a hamburger? 

Tolerance Levels

As a trauma mama, I live in a completely different world than most of my friends, and many who choose to follow or friend me on social media. Though it brings me much grief, I don't even fault you for it.

Most days I'm jealous and envy your normal. But, I am not alone. I'm surrounded by other mothers who live in worlds you simply can't imagine; where your 5 year old making a moaning sound or your 16 year old waking up dry are a success. A world where the hope is to end the day outside of a psyc er or hospital visit, a world where you are more educated about medication and disease than the latest intern who has been assigned to your case.

I live in a world of darkness where light is sporadic and almost dreaded because of the knowledge it will quickly fade. I was reminded earlier of a time when I was still in church and one of my children said, "oh God" in front of the wrong person. She immediately chastised me saying, "I can't believe you let your child use the Lord's name in vain." I said, "Mam, I'm just glad it wasn't 'fuck you."

You see, while some of you are upset because your child didn't clean their room or because they have a C in science, there are mothers like myself who ache because their child cannot live with them or who go to bed in hysterics after the latest hours long tantrum that ended in a police visit or hospital admission.

We don't mean to be snippy or rude, we understand on a logical level that a C in science is a big deal, but we simply cannot reconcile that with the panic we felt when we got the call our daughter stabbed herself. We are trying. We are sorry.

We are sorry for feeling jealous and lost and terrified that we may never ever get to be worried about science class or rooms being cleaned. Our tolerance level is higher. It just is. It doesn't mean we don't care that our child is failing math, it just means that in our world, the fact that she sat through class deserves a standing ovation. We are trying. We are trying desperately to fit into a world that doesn't even exist to most.