Monday, June 27, 2016

Dreams, Birthdays, and Our Normal

Yesterday was Jaylin's 18th Birthday. I'm such a mixed bag of feelings and emotions I can't hardly put it into words. On a very basic level, today carried an undercurrent of loss that many times threatened to pull me under. There are dreams and hopes that I think every mom has for their child and pictures of how things should have been that made the reality of today hard.

The good thing is that we made it to 18 as a family thanks to many people and agencies who have helped bring and hold our family together. I am grateful that Jaylin is in a program right now that is exactly what she needs. They are teaching Jaylin how to live successfully as she is. They support me and her and our family in a way no program has ever had the resources to do. She is thriving there with one on one care.

Yet, my heart hurts so much because I know that she can never come home. Loving her, being her mom means loving and advocating for her from a distance. That doesn't feel good at all. Jaylin had a good day. She enjoyed her birthday even though she started it mad at me. Part of her illogical thinking and developmental delays have lead to her having her own plans for 18. She was quite pissed she didn't get to be an FBI today. She did perk up with a Stephen phone call, some time at the lake, and an ice-cream sunday. I have always loved my child but I am learning to love her as is, without hope for something different, without hope for healing. It is a swirled up mix of loss, acceptance, pain, gratitude, bitterness...One day I'll sort it out. Thank you to each of you who through many ways have gotten us to this day. We made it. I can't really say Happy Birthday, but I can say I am happy we made it to this point.

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