The Absence of Grey

 I’m on a date and will edit and write more on this later, but, I just had one of the more profound realizations of my life.  As most of you know, my dad died by suicide when I was 10. I’ve spent a lifetime grieving and thinking of all the things I wish I could have said.  The past two weeks have been rough at work. Today alone, I spoke with 5 different suicidal clients. Not “I’m having suicidal thoughts” but, “I want to die, here is my plan, why should I stay?” type callers. I was able to get each of them help. I vented to my coworkers I was exhausted and didn’t understand the influx.  You know what I am just now realizing I also did? I said all of the things, every single one I wish I had been able to say. You matter. There are people who love you. Things are bad right now, but this is temporary. Yes, you have hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of damage, but if you leave, restoration can’t happen. You may be away from your child, maybe even until they are an adult, but if you die

I think the most powerful women, the strongest women, are the most vulnerable.  My hero in Mama land is the mocking bird.  Everyone talks about Mama Bears or Mama Lions, but have you ever seen a Mama Mocking bird?!?  She will whip the ass of the most aggressive of predators, regardless of how big they are, or how outnumbered she is. She gives zero fucks. She is my hero. People see bears, lions, dragons, whatever, and are afraid because of their size, dangerousness, or lethality...no one thinks a second thought about a mocking bird until they have encountered one. #mockingbirdproud

 My Tri Cities Friends, please read and repost or research and post your own. Just use your voice to magnify those of students who experienced the trauma of having their friend’s death mocked over a football game. What happened at the THS / Crockett game this week was repulsive. It had zero to do with sports and everything to do with disgusting human behavior that should NEVER be tolerated.  My nephew plays on the varsity football team for THS, but what I need you to know, and understand is that this has NOTHING to do with football, or winning and losing. This has to do with humanity or the lack there of.  The behavior of the players, coaches, and Davy Crockett student section at the game against THS was nothing short of disgusting.  * As most know Micah Montgomery, THS football player, tragically lost his life this week. Because of that, it was an emotional game in the first place. The bottom line is that a student’s tragic death should never be used as tactic to distract players or

You want her whole. Trust me. For when she finds her muchness; when she gathers all the pieces of herself, all the pieces you have broken,  it will be too late. She wont just leave. She will trample every inch of you on the way out,  Every unkind word you spoke,  every stinging touch  will fuel her wrath. You want her whole, For the chaos of her brokenness will make hurricanes seem like a lazy Saturday rain and tornados a gentle breeze. You want her whole because with her beside you the world is yours for the taking,  and with her beneath the very earth will quake with her tears.  You want her whole because no matter how broken she becomes, eventually those pieces will call to one another and pull close,  becoming heavier than your angry hands  and bigger than your worth. You want her whole because her broken pieces will shred your frailty. You want her whole because anything less is the swift ruin of you. -Jessica Lynn Freeman

I heard this recently and it impacted me a great deal. Most everything in my world comes down to "I choose." I choose to have a heart that loves big. I choose to be more than others were for me.  I choose to work at a high stress but incredibly rewarding job.  I choose my children, all of them, those I birthed, those I chose, those who chose me, and those I never held.  I choose to love and be committed to my Stephen.  I choose to keep my distance from things and people who hurt me I choose to love broken things. I choose to keep showing up, even when I'm tired. I choose to know the good even if I can't see it. I choose to allow myself to feel all of the things. These are just a few.

  Creamy Homemade Mac N Cheese 1 pound elbow macaroni 2 tablespoons butter 2 tablespoons all purpose flour 2 cups warmed milk or heavy cream (I personally prefer heavy cream) 1 pound Sargento Chef's Blends Shredded 4 State Cheddar 1/2 pound grated smoked Gouda 1/2 pound Gruyere 1 8 oz pack of cream cheese Salt & Pepper, to taste Instructions: Preheat oven to 325 degrees F and grease a 3 qt baking dish (9x13").   Set aside. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil.   When boiling, add dried pasta and cook 1 minute less than the package directs for al dente.   Drain and drizzle with a little bit of olive oil to keep from sticking. While water is coming up to a boil, grate cheeses and toss together to mix, then divide into three piles. In a saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat. Sprinkle the flour into the butter and stir it with a whisk. Cook for 2 minutes. Whisk the warmed milk into the flour mixture, working out any lumps. Cook until the