Sunday, February 03, 2019

And then she was done.

The last few months have felt impossible. Yesterday, the weight of all of it, past and present, aided by my own failures, past and present, and ugly words from people who shouldn't,  all came crashing in on me. I did not handle it well.

Thank you to those of you who wrapped me up tightly until the waves subsided.

Yes,  in the past I have done my fair share of contributing to the brokenness. I have engaged when people were ugly instead of walking away. I'm embarrassed I allowed myself to get to that point. Its also not something I can change.

While the loss of Andreana, was for me, a wake up call, it is clear it was not family wide. I tried having people close while being  aware of what they could and would do. I'm not very good at that. When those who I am close to are hurt and reach out, I react and not always nicely. Please know this isn't a case of me being innocent. I'm not. But, I have gotten to the point where for my own mental health, I have to shut and lock the doors to some people in my life. I can't NOT react and I don't want to be the person I am when it comes to some of my family. Love is NOT enough.

The more I think about it, you know, maybe the wake up call was to find ways to enjoy every moment, to live and be better every chance you get, not to keep trying to pick up the pieces of something that cuts you. I can't be family in a crisis and nothing when it is over, so I am choosing to be nothing. Nothing is better than this awfulness every few months. From this moment forward I'll gladly take the blame. I'm done.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

You Don't Know Him

You Don't Know Him
Or not the Him that I know anyway
Not the Him that broke me
Not the Him who left forever bruises and always sadness
You don't know him
He is your friend, your cousin, your coworker, your forever
You don't know him.
Not the him that laughed when I pleaded for him to let me go,
Or the Him that held a blank stare as he ripped my everything to shreds.
You don't know Him,
and really, if I'm honest, I didn't either.
Not when I laid on the floor and looked up at him and begged, "please stop, it's me"
Not when I kicked and screamed in protest.
All of them
The Hims of my everyday
The Hims you know and I wish I didn't
They, they pretended I didn't exist.
They crushed me and pretended it was my fault.
And then they moved forward as if nothing happened.
So you don't know him, and my hope is that you never do.

Being Pro All Life

Being Pro All Life is lonely. It blows my mind how each group somehow thinks the other less, from death row inmates to unborn babies, for me, they all have value. Women's rights go all the way down to unborn women's rights to be born. Pro life extends all the way to welfare lines and inconvenience. It is not pretty but it is beautiful.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

You Want Her Whole

You want her whole.
Trust me.
For when she finds her muchness;
when she gathers all the pieces of herself,
all the pieces you have broken,
it will be too late.
She wont just leave.
She will trample every inch of you on the way out,
Every unkind word you spoke,
every stinging touch
will fuel her wrath.
You want her whole,
for the chaos of her brokenness will make hurricanes seem like a lazy Saturday rain and tornados a gentle breeze.
You want her whole because with her beside you the world is yours for the taking,
and with her beneath the very earth will quake with her tears.
You want her whole because no matter how broken she becomes, eventually those pieces will call to one another
and pull close,
becoming heavier than your angry hands
and bigger than your worth.
You want her whole because her broken pieces will shred your frailty.
You want her whole because anything less is the swift ruin of you.

 -Jessica Lynn Freeman

Monday, September 10, 2018

Were They a Christian and Other Things You Ought Not Ask Grieving People

My Christian friends,

I need to say something, and I pray that you can hear me. If for no other reason than I am in all ways exhausted, I ask that you not comment and will be deleting the comments of anyone who does, regardless of what is said. This isn't one of those times where I'm up for a hearty debate. I'm just not.

For whatever reason, it appears that, over and over again, I get put into a position to be a voice on painful situations. I don't have the gift of ignoring or not caring, though to be quite honest, on most days, I curse that fact. I'm exhausted of testimonies and the awful situations I have survived that have created them, but that is a post for another day.

Back to the topic at hand.

My Christian friends, I know that your faith is important (It's important to me too). I know that you find comfort in believing that you will see your loved ones some day in heaven, that they followed all the steps, and did all the things to get in.

But, please, for the love of all that is holy, when you hear that someone has died, please stop asking their friends and loved ones if they were a Christian or if they had Jesus in their heart.

I get the intent, but, what if the answer is, "No?" Or, "I don't know?" What is the follow up to that?

Take a moment and think about what you have just done to that grieving friend or family member. You have, at a minimum, in what is a heart wrenching time of their life,  made their burden heavier. Please stop.

The reality is, even if you were this person's very best friend, no one knows the heart of another person fully, and really, it isn't your job to. I can point you to all kinds of scripture about this, but I'm tired and honestly, if you are a Christian, you know it, or should know it anyway.

There are lots of comforting things to say to someone who is grieving the loss of someone they love. Please choose something else.

Friday, September 07, 2018

Tyler Perry's Trees Analogy

The following is a quote from Tyler Perry's Movie and stage play, Madea Goes to Jail

"I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. 

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry. 

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live. 

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."

And then she was done.

The last few months have felt impossible. Yesterday, the weight of all of it, past and present, aided by my own failures, past and present, ...