You Want Her Whole

You want her whole.
Trust me.
For when she finds her muchness;
when she gathers all the pieces of herself,
all the pieces you have broken,
it will be too late.
She wont just leave.
She will trample every inch of you on the way out,
Every unkind word you spoke,
every stinging touch
will fuel her wrath.
You want her whole,
for the chaos of her brokenness will make hurricanes seem like a lazy Saturday rain and tornados a gentle breeze.
You want her whole because with her beside you the world is yours for the taking,
and with her beneath the very earth will quake with her tears.
You want her whole because no matter how broken she becomes, eventually those pieces will call to one another
and pull close,
becoming heavier than your angry hands
and bigger than your worth.
You want her whole because her broken pieces will shred your frailty.
You want her whole because anything less is the swift ruin of you.


 -Jessica Lynn Freeman

Me in the Charlotte Observer

Me in the Charlotte Observer

Were They a Christian and Other Things You Ought Not Ask Grieving People

My Christian friends,

I need to say something, and I pray that you can hear me. If for no other reason than I am in all ways exhausted, I ask that you not comment and will be deleting the comments of anyone who does, regardless of what is said. This isn't one of those times where I'm up for a hearty debate. I'm just not.

For whatever reason, it appears that, over and over again, I get put into a position to be a voice on painful situations. I don't have the gift of ignoring or not caring, though to be quite honest, on most days, I curse that fact. I'm exhausted of testimonies and the awful situations I have survived that have created them, but that is a post for another day.

Back to the topic at hand.

My Christian friends, I know that your faith is important (It's important to me too). I know that you find comfort in believing that you will see your loved ones some day in heaven, that they followed all the steps, and did all the things to get in.

But, please, for the love of all that is holy, when you hear that someone has died, please stop asking their friends and loved ones if they were a Christian or if they had Jesus in their heart.

I get the intent, but, what if the answer is, "No?" Or, "I don't know?" What is the follow up to that?

Take a moment and think about what you have just done to that grieving friend or family member. You have, at a minimum, in what is a heart wrenching time of their life,  made their burden heavier. Please stop.

The reality is, even if you were this person's very best friend, no one knows the heart of another person fully, and really, it isn't your job to. I can point you to all kinds of scripture about this, but I'm tired and honestly, if you are a Christian, you know it, or should know it anyway.

There are lots of comforting things to say to someone who is grieving the loss of someone they love. Please choose something else.

Tyler Perry's Trees Analogy

The following is a quote from Tyler Perry's Movie and stage play, Madea Goes to Jail


"I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. 

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry. 

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live. 

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."

A Letter to My Adopted Daughters

To my Adopted Daughters,

My wish for you is peace and the ability to understand what love is.

I pray for the day when your smile is genuine and your eyes dance.

I long for the moment you can let go long enough to simply be.

I ache for your freedom.

You have come so far already, many children who experienced what you did died, but not you.

You fought starvation, neglect, abuse.

You survived and for that I am so very grateful, but baby girl, you don't have to survive anymore, it is time to live.

Lay down your weapons sweetheart, you won the war the day I said I will.

You can rest in the knowledge that you have a Mama who loves you as is.

I hope someday you can accept that, even if you never comprehend the significance or how much it cost.

I love you.

I hope to someday see you,

minus all the defenses,

free of all the blockades that keep me so very far from where I want to be.

Until then...

I'll be waiting...

Mom

Thank You Mama

Hey Jessica,

Thank you so much for getting up super early and driving kids to school even though they could take the bus because you know it causes them anxiety. Thank you for doing that even when you havent slept at all and you are exhausted.

Thank you for answering phone call after phone call about situations you cannot help. Thank you for praying about those situations even if you aren't sure God hears you anymore.

Thank you for not flipping out when you saw laundry you just washed and folded thrown on the floor.

Thank you for bleach moping the entire house because it's rainy and you know everyone had drug every kind of grossness in.

Thank you for changing sheets everyday and making sure everyone had clean clothes.

Thank you for being on 58 phone calls in one day to make sure your adopted daughters get what they need, even when it makes your other kids mad at you.

Thank you for taking 4 phone calls from one daughter who is concerned that she won't have a place to go when she leaves the hospital.

Thank you for calling and begging and pleading with any and everyone who will listen so that she does have a place to go.

Thank you for taking the dog out and dealing with the fact that she refuses to pee in the rain. 

Thank you for feeding tiny kittens because their mama died and you know how to do it.

Thank you for washing dishes that will be rewashed as if you did nothing, or left in random places to grow the very best mold.

Thank you for extending grace to others that they cannot be bothered to extend to you.

Thank you for refusing to give up even when your heart is broken.

Thank you for even getting up today when your entire being screamed to stay in bed.

Love All ways and Always,

Jessica and every other Mama she knows

Darkness and Light

Sometimes while walking through the forest, the darkness encroaches so slowly that you don't notice that it's there. 

Your eyes adjust to the lack of sunlight, you move forward, unaware. You never stumble or falter or realize that there is anything at all wrong with your travels.

And by and by the sun begins to rise, a sun you never noticed was missing. A flicker of light makes it's way between the trees, shininge. You turn around and try to move away from it. It becomes hard to see. 

Your focus is lost. 

You are scared but drawn. 

You can't move or breathe or feel.

And the light gets brighter. . .

Your eyes begin to adjust to the way things should be. You remember what it was once like to see the details in the world around you. 

A familiar joy rises up within in you, beckoning your forward. You move faster and step closer anxious to continue to allow your world to brighten. 

You are chasing the sun, 

terrified of losing it again, 

off getting lost in the darkness, 

unaware.