Finally Broken

 In my life, I have encountered:

Abuse

Neglect

Witnessing domestic violence

Molestation

Sexual abuse

Rape

Foster care

Dating violence

Death of a parent

Domestic violence

Death of a sibling

Homelessness

Poverty

Loss of a foster child

Mental illness of an adoptive child

Mental illness of a parent or family member

Addiction of a friend of family member

Multiple miscarriages

And all of those things, and some I am sure I am not remembering, losing my Andreana has broken me. I can't deal. Everything feels broken all the time and I swear to God I'm trying but I'm tired and I just want my Andramada.

What I Would Say

 I’m on a date and will edit and write more on this later, but, I just had one of the more profound realizations of my life. 

As most of you know, my dad died by suicide when I was 10. I’ve spent a lifetime grieving and thinking of all the things I wish I could have said. 

The past two weeks have been rough at work. Today alone, I spoke with 5 different suicidal clients. Not “I’m having suicidal thoughts” but, “I want to die, here is my plan, why should I stay?” type callers. I was able to get each of them help. I vented to my coworkers I was exhausted and didn’t understand the influx. 

You know what I am just now realizing I also did? I said all of the things, every single one I wish I had been able to say. You matter. There are people who love you. Things are bad right now, but this is temporary. Yes, you have hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of damage, but if you leave, restoration can’t happen. You may be away from your child, maybe even until they are an adult, but if you die by suicide, you take away their choice to ever have a relationship with their dad…..

Mocking Birds

I think the most powerful women, the strongest women, are the most vulnerable. 

My hero in Mama land is the mocking bird. 

Everyone talks about Mama Bears or Mama Lions, but have you ever seen a Mama Mocking bird?!? 

She will whip the ass of the most aggressive of predators, regardless of how big they are, or how outnumbered she is. She gives zero fucks.

She is my hero.

People see bears, lions, dragons, whatever, and are afraid because of their size, dangerousness, or lethality...no one thinks a second thought about a mocking bird until they have encountered one. #mockingbirdproud