Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Jesus, healing, and forgiveness

I've been thinking lately about when Jesus was on the cross and said, "Father forgive them"... I have struggled with the forgiveness I extended to someone years ago and the recent recurrence of trauma symptoms over what was forgiven. I don't understand really. I forgave, I let go, I moved forward but I got a little too close to the old situation and before I knew it I was 10 yr old Jessica. Not good. Not good at all.
I've questioned if I forgave or if I forgave "enough" since my nightmares and feelings were back. Tonight I was reminded that Jesus extended forgiveness while still dying. He wasn't healed. He didn't feel better when he forgave. His forgiveness didn't magically fix His wound so its OK that forgiveness didn't fix mine. Its OK for me to still feel pain about those things. One day it will get better, just not now.

And then she was done.

The last few months have felt impossible. Yesterday, the weight of all of it, past and present, aided by my own failures, past and present, ...