Friday, November 09, 2012

A Year Ago...


A year ago today I wrote the following...

"Oh stress and worry, my bitter enemy and closest companion. On days like today when monsters are real and heartache rumbles through my very bones I find myself longing for an end. My everything hurts and so much in me says give up, but something in me, something I don't quite understand, and yet, am so very drawn to, says hold on. Something in me says "don't let go, I have a plan, a purpose, a destiny for you." Very close to me, I have someone who says over and over again, "give up, it is hopeless, you are a liar and a crazy whore, God sold you out, you are nothing"...there are moments when those words suffocate me. And yet...I am still breathing. God why am I breathing??? I am so very tired. I am reminded of Jacob when he wrestled the Angel, even with a dislocated hip he said "I won't let go until you bless me". God, I don't know what you are doing. I don't even know that you care. I don't know if I will ever be more than this moment, but I hope. I hope that he is wrong. I hope that I am yours. I hope that someday I will be more than this. Until then...I won't let go."

Today, I woke up to my sweet Stephen kissing my shoulder. I looked up to see his beautiful face say "Good Morning Baby Girl". I heard my babies playing down the hallway. I checked my phone to see message after message from people who love me. I looked at facebook and rejoiced as grateful lists are spreading like wildfire. I made lunch for a man who took me for cheesecake at midnight simply because he loves me. I danced in a hallway as if no one else was around. I laughed. I made an 84 on a statistics test. I made collard greens, and pronounced it wrong, and smiled when my Stephen taught me otherwise. I comforted a friend. I laughed. I played. I simply was. 

There was NOTHING on this day last year that even had a hint of what my today was. There was nothing about that day that showed any hope that I would be anything but dead by this time. For all intents and purposes, I was finished. 

Ladies and Gentlefish, all is never lost. If you are breathing...there is hope. I am a walking talking example of that. Don't give up. Don't look at today. See tomorrow and know that anything is possible if you will only hang on. DON'T LET GO UNTIL HE BLESSES YOU! 

Out of The Abundance of The Heart, The Mouth Speaks



I wear the things I am grateful for proudly. Publicly and privately, from my Stephen, to my babies, from my friends, to my creatures, I take a moment and celebrate the things in my life that make my day just a little brighter and my burden less, EVERY SINGLE DAY and guess what? You should too. This isn't to say I don't have my moments, trust me, I do! I've said often, I am a faller not a flier.

However, I have learned to appreciate the good in life. I had a very precious friend and mentor teach me to seek out the good. You can always find a reason to be mad, depressed, disappointed, whatever...just remember that while you are busy complaining about your man, your job, your kids, there is a wife waiting on a husband who won't ever come home, there is a person losing the only means they have to feed their family, there is a mama saying goodbye to her baby as he gets his Angel wings...

Some people get it twisted, they have allowed themselves to get so sucked into darkness they assume that anyone who sees the sun must be a liar or crazy, and that's ok, what is that quote? Something about "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks".

Never the less, what I love is that something that started so small and so awkwardly is spreading like wildfire. I just hope that someday it spreads so much that it suffocates the ugliness some people choose to sit in. As I see each new friend of a friend post their list and celebrate their lives, their man, their children, their talent, their whatever, my heart is full of such complete and total satisfaction! I am thankful to each of you. 

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Grateful Lists

I have continued to make my grateful lists each day on my facebook page, and transfer them as well to the Grateful List facebook page. I am however finding that I do not remember to bring them over to this page, and so for now, I am going to discontinue that. I don't want to get so bogged down in repeat posting about what I am grateful for, that I do not have time to enjoy those things for which I am grateful. I hope that you understand and that each of you are taking a moment out of your day to remember the things which are good and lovely and make your burden less.

You Want Her Whole

You want her whole. Trust me. For when she finds her muchness; when she gathers all the pieces of herself, all the pieces you have broke...