The Absence of Grey

You colored me in soft blues and greens, Hard purples and reds. Little black specks, to accentuate my most precious places. You blurred the colors together. . . so it is hard for me to see... who it is, I am, anymore. . . The edges of my body, the outline for your work. The insides forgotten as you busied yourself coloring. . . If only it were beautiful. If only you had just torn out this page.

BrOKeN PuZzLEs She is damaged goods, Long ago broken by men who will never pay for their crimes. Long ago lost to a world she was never brave enough to dream about. She sits ever so quietly in her room wishing, Wishing to look in the mirror and see more. A broken puzzle with missing pieces, She worked ever so hard to put them together Filling in the holes with hopes for more Trying desperately to make out who it is she wants to be But it doesn't matter Because no one plays with broken puzzles.

As I lay sleeping the phone rings. It is him, he is scared and alone. I rush quickly to get dressed and make my way to him, terrified I won't make it in time. This time it's bad, I can tell from the sound of his voice. It reminds me of when I would listen to him cry as my father locked him in his room. I can't breathe. I am driving but the road is swirling about, making me feel dizzy and sick. I call and I call, but he no longer answers. I try helplessly to figure out where he is based on the things he said when he was making more sense. . . wrong. Over and over I call his name but no one answers. Maybe, I figure, his vision is blurry too, so I drive to a similar location. Still not answering. I lower the windows and dial the number and listen. . . nothing. Keep driving, keep calling, keep listening. Finally I hear it. Oh God, I hear his phone but not him, please let him be ok. I run frantically around the area trying to find him, I keep calling. There he is. . . curle

Um if you wouldn't mind you're making too much noise. So... your head is underwater just breathe easy, it's a choice Um could you please focus Try not to kick so hard? Damn, We're trying to save you. Don't you see you've came this far? We've been standing here for hours putting our world on hold, you've hardly said a thing except "help the water's cold" Help yourself! You know you can Stop the tears from flowing and dry your little face Yes, We see that you are drowing We just wish you'd do it with more grace.

Dear Satan, You know that lie you have told me my entire life? The one about never being enough? The one you've whispered in my ear, and spoken from the mouths and actions of others? You are never enough. Never enough for parents to love and protect. Never enough for family to love you. Never enough for friends. Never enough to keep yourself safe. Never enough to take care of your body. Never enough to be the only one for anyone. Never enough to be worthy to even exist...That lie? The lie that from my birth has had me so broken and twisted? The lie, the one who caused me to live in a way that ended up not being worthy of love and protection? The one that became a self fulfilling prophecy? The lie, the one that almost took me out completely? Well, I have a new man in my ear, speaking straight to My Heart. He says I was worth dying for. He says His grace is sufficient for my failures. He says I am beautifully and wonderfully made. He says He will keep me, that I am more than e

I many many times use facebook and my blog to share God, His mercy, His grace, His love for me, His love for you. At the same time, I share my struggles with sin, depression, self harm and on and on. I never ever ever want to come across as anything more than guilty. GUILTY. I have hurt people and myself far more than most of you will ever know. I struggled years, and still do in some areas, with some really serious sin. You can rest assured if I am talking about God's mercy, it is because in my sin He was merciful. If I am talking about hope, it is because when I had sinned so much and so horrendously, that He did not turn me away. If I am talking about forgiveness, it is because of my deep gratitude of being forgiven of things it took me years to even be able to say out loud, and some that someone had to expose for me, they were so horrible in my mind. I used to struggle a lot with knowing my failures, and the desire in my heart to share what God has done in my life. I d