The Absence of Grey

Sometimes I don't want to be super Mama. Sometimes I don't want to be hypervigilant. Sometimes I don't want to make sure that you and everyone around you are doing what they are supposed to when they are supposed to. Sometimes I hate therapy appointments and Dr. visits and medication and making sure you take them and making sure you are being honest with therapist and Drs and gosh why can't you just tell the truth? Sometimes I look at people who should, and I want to kick them in the throat.  Sometimes I want to get in my car and drive and drive and never come back. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm too afraid to say what I should. Sometimes I get tired of explaining Sometimes I get exhausted of defending your presence in our life.  Sometimes I cry because I am so broken hearted about everything that is, and nothing that can be.  Sometimes I want to smack other mothers in the face for bitching about their normal childre

As adults, when we struggle, we often wish other's understood, and seek out grace when we fail or don't perform our best. We hope for forgiveness. We wish that people could see the why of our actions, I've not slept for days, I'm worried about my child, I'm sick, my heart is broken, I feel alone, hurt or whatever. I know you understand because we are human and humans fail.  I am thankful for those times when I have blown it that God always forgives me. I am grateful as well when those around me are able to extend grace to me when I do something I shouldn't or fail them in some way.  Grace is a very precious gift!  That being said, when it comes to children, we are so quick to forget about grace in the pursuit of obedience. Now I will tell you, in the depths of depression, I operated on a whatever will make them quiet mode that I am still paying for, I was permissive to the extreme, that is NOT what I am talking about here. I have also been so panic

When you finally break free of the chains that bound you, your greatest opposition will be those who are still bound. ~Me

From my COUN 506 class discussion board. The questions were:  Clarify your rationale for agreeing or disagreeing with this statement: "Psychology is just sinful human beings sinfully thinking about sinful human beings."  Can psychology and Christian counseling really be integrated?  If yes, how; if no, why not? And my response:  Psychology is man’s attempt to understand human nature using science and reason. While it is true that because of the fall and original sin, man’s thoughts are “imperfect and partial”, it does not negate the fact that God gave humans the ability to reason   (Entwistle, 2010, p. 12). While some human behavior leads to poor choices that lead to mental illness, this is not always the case. There are a great number of psychological illnesses that are biologically based, which could not be considered the result of sinful choices. To present that mental illness is only the result of sin leaves a great many people disenfranch

Three years ago, my very precious friend, Kim Bushore-Maki opened the door of Shakti in the Mountains , a place of rest, growth, and simply being for women in our community. If you do the math, and you know me, you will remember that at that time everything in me hurt all the time. Domestic assault and self destructive choices had left me a very broken, very scared, very worthless feeling woman. I have known Kim for years since my time at East Tennessee State University and the Take Back the Night program. That is a story for another day...I digress. So, I know she saw how much of a mess I was, but what is beautiful is she saw a strength in me that I did not know existed yet. Over and over again she offered open doors and hugging arms to me. Most times, I found a way to escape, feeling too unworthy of that kind of love and acceptance. She did not, however, give up. Spring came and they decided to start a garden, flowers and herbs and veggies. Once again Kim reached out to me. While I

 I got this tree a couple of years ago. It was discounted because it was badly curved in the middle. As most things in my world, it was broken and discarded. I took it home and built a frame around the bottom. From those I attached 2 support straps, one to the middle, and another pulling in the opposite direction a couple feet up. It looked straight but as soon as the supports were removed, it went  back to bent and nothing worthy of being called a tree. A few weeks ago I decided to take them off again, and the tree stood tall and straight, leaves reaching to the sky. A couple days later, a series of storms came, and I was worried. I was certain I'd find the tree bent over, but as I opened the door, there it stood, tall and beautiful. The tree healed, it proved artificial supports unnecessary. The tree is just fine on its own, it only needed time.

I am the parent to a child with special needs. She has no concept of relationships really, and her disorders causes a level of narcissism that is not easily topped so in her world, if she says it, it's the truth.  I say that to preface this... She came home from school one day very upset. I ask her what's wrong and she replies, "my friend was being mean to me today." I say, well, "what did she do?" She says, "she kept telling me to go away, stop following her,  and stop talking to her." HMMM? I said, "What's your friend's name?" She says, "I don't know but I told her friends don't talk to each other like that do they Mom?" A little confused, I asked, "What was happening while she was being mean to you?" She says, "Well, we were in the gym and I was sitting by her and she kept telling me to go away, then we went to lunch and I was trying to sit with her and she said to stop it that she didn't wa