Wednesday, February 22, 2023
Tuesday, February 14, 2023
They Left Me
I realized recently that maybe you don’t know, so I should probably tell you. I spent my whole life in church. I was abused by many in my childhood on Friday and in church on Sunday. My ex husband would break my ankle on Saturday and lead praise and worship alone on Sunday. I’ve read the Bible back and forth many times and can probably outdo most on quoting it.
From 1994-2011 I led youth groups, praise and worship, held small groups in my home, spoke in front of thousands about Jesus and my faith. And lots of things happened to change how I saw things. I respect anyone’s faith. I have solid Christian friends who I rest in their goodness. It is a constant reminder of who God can be, if people were not so rotten.
I just wanted you to know that the Euphrates drying up is something I know. I just choose to not participate in a faith that throws away people. I don’t think the God that I know would do that. People were soooo damn busy worrying about “the gays”, the end of days, tithing, abortion, that they always left me.
They left 2 yr old me being raped by a grandparent. They left 4 yr old me cleaning my moms blood off the floor. They left 8 yr old me clinging onto my siblings begging child protective services not to take my babies. They left 10 yr old me begging my stepmom to leave while I had more bruises than skin. They left 11 yr old me who was gang raped by 5 men, 3 of which attended a local Christian college. They left 15 yr old me who met 25 yr old him. They left me over and over and over until I finally decided I was leaving.
So it’s not that I don’t know about your faith, or I can’t recite the whitewashed version of the Bible, but that I know better.
Emotional Resource Guarding for Child Abuse Victims
I’ve recently had a painful epiphany. I’m aware of situations where my siblings and I will “find an in” on a typically strained relationship and we hide it, we tuck it away. We don’t talk about it because if we do, our other family may ruin or take it in some way. Resource guarding. 43 years old and I never ever thought of this.
I’m gonna go see such and such family member but I can’t tell you.
Don’t tell such and such I’m here
Shhhhh so they don’t know I’m talking to you.
It’s so sad and awful and gosh why do we do this.
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