Sunday, April 11, 2021

I love the way


I literally picked a quote at random. A touch screen and closed eyes led me to this quote: 

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars. Og Mandino 

I then deleted most of the words on the quote, leaving only a few, in the same order as the original. "I love the way" is all that I left. It was all you could see on my wall as a title before choosing whether or not to read further. It was a tiny glimpse, and an inaccurate one, of what I am writing about. Some cheeseball country song is what comes to mind as I read those four words together that way. There is no telling all the different thoughts that came to the minds of those who saw that post. The words, taken out of context, can be used to create many things. If you google them, there are thousands upon thousands of results, but only a few that are the actual quote by Og Mandino. 

This is one of many of the problems with social media. We see tiny glimpses of someone's life. We can take those pieces and parts and make them into anything, especially when we have decided beforehand what is and is not truth. What a very dangerous thing to do. I say, if you are gonna look, look all the way through. #Writing #ogmandino #quotes #socialmedia #ohbecarefullittlemouthswhatyousay

Tolerance Levels

I wrote this many years ago while still involved directly in the foster care/adoption world.  

Tolerance Levels

As a trauma mama, I live in a completely different world than most of my friends, and many who choose to follow or friend me on social media. Though it brings me much grief, I don't even fault you for it. Most days I'm jealous and envy your normal. But, I am not alone. I'm surrounded by other mothers who live in worlds you simply can't imagine; where your 5 year old making a moaning sound or your 16 year old waking up dry are a success. A world where the hope is to end the day outside of a psyc er or hospital visit, a world where you are more educated about medication and disease than the latest intern who has been assigned to your case. I live in a world of darkness where light is sporadic and almost dreaded because of the knowledge it will quickly fade. I was reminded earlier of a time when I was still in church and one of my children said, "oh God" in front of the wrong person. She immediately chastised me saying, "I can't believe you let your child use the Lord's name in vain." I said, "Mam, I'm just glad it wasn't 'fuck you."

You see, while some of you are upset because your child didn't clean their room or because they have a C in science, there are mothers like myself who ache because their child cannot live with them or who go to bed in hysterics after the latest hours long tantrum that ended in a police visit or hospital admission.

We don't mean to be snippy or rude, we understand on a logical level that a C in science is a big deal, but we simply cannot reconcile that with the panic we felt when we got the call our daughter stabbed herself. We are trying. We are sorry. We are sorry for feeling jealous and lost and terrified that we may never ever get to be worried about science class or rooms being cleaned. Our tolerance level is higher. It just is. It doesn't mean we don't care that our child is failing math, it just means that in our world, the fact that she sat through class deserves a standing ovation. We are trying. We are trying desperately to fit into a world that doesn't even exist to most.

Our hearts are broken. Our minds are exhausted. On a scale from one to ten, we have passed a million. I'm not asking you to understand, I am only asking that you acknowledge our tolerance level is a little higher.

It’s Not Glitter

 No one warns you about how dried blood flakes and glistens like glitter that you just can’t seem to get off.  No one tells you how fingerpr...