Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Surprize piggies, busted pipes, and endless meetings

Yes I know how to spell surprise, it just makes me smile to purposefully misspell it.

That aside...

I'm taking a mandatory self prescribed break from spreadsheet hell to write something I enjoy.

The past few days have been trying! We are beginning the inventory process of my mom's house. WOW! I never realized how much stuff was in one room until I had to write down the make, model, type, description and cost of EVERY single item, from appliances to q tips. YIKES! I will most likely have a severe spreadsheet phobia when this is done.

We had a stressful but good meeting with DCS and should be getting more financial help with Jaylin. The state had cut our subsidy this year and with no services appropriate, we are having to create and pay for it privately. I have the most ridiculous expenses being her mother, not to mention the fact that I have a college degree, but am so busy with the chaos that is her life, that work would be impossible. She was a special needs adoption, they are supposed to help, we are finally pressing the issue.

PS, wanna keep a kiddo for a night, or heck even a few hours? She hasn't killed anyone...yet anyway, jokes people, dang, ya'll so serious!

Actually she does well with new, non parent, people so she would likely not be much trouble to you.

The surprize piggies are doing amazing! I love watching them! The white and orange one, which I'm keeping and have named Brillo, is the smartest, it learned to do everything first so far! Yay!

I ended my crap day yesterday with a burst water pipe, amidst my tears though, I got blessed with Mr. Amazing plumber who showed up and fixed everything within an hour! WOW!

I ended my crap day today with a family member in the ER.

I'm super scared about the end of tomorrow, lol.

I'm trying to remember that.

I'm such a worry retard.

I must be so annoying to our good Lord and Savior. I can just imagine Him up there "oh me, there's the worry queen, 1979 addition, stressing about something else she doesn't trust me with".

I'm trying to remember that too.

PS, I think you guys that bother to read me are most kind and I sincerely appreciate it! MUAH!

Friday, January 22, 2010

What I learned today 01-22-2010

You go can from noticing that your guinea pig is pregnant, to having three guinea pig babies, in less than 12 hours.

My mother's fire trauma kitty has no clue what a litter box is, or at least is pretending that.

She is also pregnant.

Tyler Perry's Movie, I can do bad all by myself, is AWESOME.

The song "I can do bad all by myself" by Mary J, is my theme song.

I am not the cat piss sniffer outter I thought I was.

I CAN'T FIND IT!!!! AHHHHH IT'S MAKING ME NUTS

Jaylin does not love me, she loves my noodles.

Spending hours making chicken stock from your friend Talia's recipe, and then getting too overwhelmed with life to put it in the fridge, equals something else to throw in the yard. Boo!

As every other recipe of hers I've made, I'm sure it was delicious.

Livy outsmarted me by hiding her stolen container of icing in the cat food bag.

EWWWW.

cat food and chocolate icing.

again I say...ewww.... and yea in her hurry she let the two mix.

I made it thru an entire major crisis without cutting

Pepperoni and cheese on crackers is heaven when you can't keep food down.

There is a woman in Texas who is very much like me.

Poor woman!

Night all!

Pardon Me

Walking with you


I lost my step


You didn't hold on


into the water I fell


I reached for you


You smacked me away


I cried out for help


You told me to be quiet


I gave you all of me


and it wasn't enough


I wasn't worth saving


I needed you


You needed more


As I come out of the water


all on my own


pardon me if I don't take your hand


you dropped me last time.

You

YOU
so many things
I want to make them
make sense
it would be easier
but never easy
it's never ever easy
dealing with damaged people
and broken promises
and always that never comes
and tomorrow is a dream
never dreamed about
and forever is a joke
but right now,
right now,
I miss you
and right now
I wish you were here
and I wish you could make yesterday irrelevant
and tomorrow hopeful
and
this moment not so meaningful

She don't love me, she loves my ramon noodles

Ok ok if you are reading my blogs, you must first know I have an incredibly bizarre sense of humor, but it keeps me smiling, sorta sane, and I haven't killed anyone yet, so apparently it's working!

So back on the ramon noodle thing, or food rather, food is the way to connect with my little one. It is the one thing I provide that really matters to her. It is the one thing she cannot do without and does not like substitutions for.

Anyone can suffice for attention, love, conversations, etc...I am low man on the totem pole there, a tolerated presence rather than parent. I don't play the manipulation game so I am no fun, but it's the way it is, and so, I just deal with it.

But food now, there I have it. It's easy to confuse her concern for dinner and hugs and kisses associated with "wow she finally loves me", but alas, I learned a long time ago, it's not me, it's the noodles.

One of the funniest examples of this happened when I was very ill. I was sleeping on the couch and all afternoon Jaylin sat by me. My sister staying with me at the time said "Gosh Jessi, she loves you so much, she has sat by you all day making sure you are ok". To which my sweet little Jaylin replies...."yea I really don't know if she is gonna be able to make me dinner"

Enough said...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What I've learned today 01-19-10

Ok so really the honest truth is that I have not been sane enough to write in hmmmm maybe a week so, it's kind of a what I've learned this week sort of write.

Shew, I don't even know where to start!

Let's go with easy...if you spill a gallon of homemade laundry detergent on your kitchen floor, it will be super shiny and slick.

Wet socks have NO traction.

Laundry detergent, which you do not get to wash off for two hours because of a raging kiddo, itches.

A lot.

Hysterachild is easily calmed by a new party entering the scene.

Ok...harder....



Fire which has no place to escape keeps building up pressure, until a window burst, at which point, it "flashes" and goes crazy.

Dryers can melt.

Smoke kills before fire.

One of my mom's cats escaped the fire and hid under a heating unit.


In the same room as melted dryers, a piece of paper artwork can survive under a pile of clothes.

A piece of glass can hold it shape and still be ashes, you only have to touch it to find out.


When you are sad digging thru burnt up things you knew your mother loved, a kitten crawling out of nowhere can make you smile.

Kittens rescued from fire are very loving and thankful.

The aftermath of a fire is overwhelming, even if it wasn't yours.

And it makes you belly hurt.

I can keep a smile for about 12 hours before tears take over, and I can go about five days before my body shuts down and against my will, shuts down.

You can remove the look of fire damage, but not the smell.

Glass can smell.

Seriously.

When everything is dark and scary, God sends people with flashlights.

There is no need which you have, which God will not meet, though it may come from the oddest of places.

And that's all I have to say about that....

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Hope is for sissies!

hope (hp)
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes
v.intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.


Among the myriad of things I do each week, three different agencies, for 1-3 times per week each, come into the house to work with Jaylin and our family. It has been a rough couple of months around here between Jaylin's abuse while a patient at Laurel Heights and the holidays. I'm stressed, Jaylin is stressed, our home is well, stressed.

This week one of the workers was here and she asked me, "How do you have hope?".

I DONT.

Hope is for sissies! Hope implies without saying that I believe someday I may be free of pee filled drawers and incessant rocking, lying without reason, and never sleeping. It implies that I believe if I hang on long enough she might just get better, and all of our troubles will be worth it.

I do not understand why my child has to suffer. It at times leaves me curled up in a ball crying, aching for all I cannot protect her from, but I have faith. I know that God is in control. I know He will not give us any task we cannot accomplish. He does not set us up to fail, though at times, I think our definition of success is screwy. I know sometimes my own definition of success leaves me frustrated and overwhelmed...

I love Jaylin just as she is. I rejoice when she makes progress, but I do not expect it. Expectation with chronic illness, leads to disappointment, resentment, anger. I accept her, and every little thing she does to drive me nuts, lol!


There is no hope here.

There is acceptance and faith.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Laundry basket taken into custody

My sweet Little Jaylin, hoarder and thief extraordinaire has been at it again. From hand soap, to make up, to receipts, and the other kids new Christmas toys, things have been disappearing at an alarming rate. I checked and checked her room and couldn't find any of it. Hmmmmm...It appears my little darling has gotten smarter!

Because of the hoarding problem, she has a large laundry basket that she has to keep all of her "possessions" in. It is kept in another room and she has to ask to get things out. It is crammed full of stuff most of us, probably all of us, would assume be thrown away, but it makes her happy, and so, as long as it's contained, I leave it alone.

She was having trouble finding her art stuff today so I was helping her. Lo and behold...the basket was full of all of the missing items, and some I had not even realized were gone!

Instantly, Jaylin begins her yelling, "I did not put your stuff in here" and so on and so forth. She thinks by talking fast and getting loud I will give in and send her to her room...But Mama actually got to sleep last night so... I said "Honey I agree". She looks at me weird. Again starts "seriously mom I didn't take your stuff, I don't know how it got there". "I hear you honey. You are saying you did not take these things" I say almost in a whisper to prevent myself from showing aggravation or sarcasm (thank you Deborah Hage for that trick!)

I give her a minute, she stares at me, looking victorious, "yay Mom was stupid enough to believe me!" her eyes are yelling!

"Well I guess there is only one thing to do" I say, "Basket, you know we do not steal in this house! I am putting you in basket jail until you tell the truth and change your negative behavior! We can't have stealing going on in this house"

And I picked the offending basket up, and locked it in my wardrobe, where it is certain to keep is thieving self under control!

And honestly, the look on her face is priceless.

I smile and tell her I am so sorry her basket has been doing those things and I hope someday soon it can straighten up because I simply did not have time to remove her toys before locking it away....

You Want Her Whole

You want her whole. Trust me. For when she finds her muchness; when she gathers all the pieces of herself, all the pieces you have broke...