Saturday, January 09, 2010

Hope is for sissies!

hope (hp)
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes
v.intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.


Among the myriad of things I do each week, three different agencies, for 1-3 times per week each, come into the house to work with Jaylin and our family. It has been a rough couple of months around here between Jaylin's abuse while a patient at Laurel Heights and the holidays. I'm stressed, Jaylin is stressed, our home is well, stressed.

This week one of the workers was here and she asked me, "How do you have hope?".

I DONT.

Hope is for sissies! Hope implies without saying that I believe someday I may be free of pee filled drawers and incessant rocking, lying without reason, and never sleeping. It implies that I believe if I hang on long enough she might just get better, and all of our troubles will be worth it.

I do not understand why my child has to suffer. It at times leaves me curled up in a ball crying, aching for all I cannot protect her from, but I have faith. I know that God is in control. I know He will not give us any task we cannot accomplish. He does not set us up to fail, though at times, I think our definition of success is screwy. I know sometimes my own definition of success leaves me frustrated and overwhelmed...

I love Jaylin just as she is. I rejoice when she makes progress, but I do not expect it. Expectation with chronic illness, leads to disappointment, resentment, anger. I accept her, and every little thing she does to drive me nuts, lol!


There is no hope here.

There is acceptance and faith.

7 comments:

  1. I just found your blog from Blogher which I found though Christine at Welcome to my Brain. I read this post and instantly knew I'd be adding you to my Google Reader!

    I read a couple more entrys and knew you were going to be one my favorites.

    Mary in TX
    http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com
    Mom to biokids Ponito(10) and his sister Bob(13)
    Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE foster care 11/06
    Finally finalized on Kitty(14) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
    RAD, C-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, ODD, ADHD, learning disorders, cerebral dysrhythmia
    Finalized on her brother Bear(16) 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.
    RAD, C-PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, ADD, cerebral dysrhythmia

    " Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so very much Mary! I really appreciate it! I love the quote you put on my page, it is certainly true!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I see hope in this home every day. In the smiles of 5 different children and a slew of hurt and recovering animals. I see hope in the smile you paste on when you're so tired you cant see straight and the stability you provide for everyone. I see hope floating in a love that has no end and a determined belief that things can get better......even if they arn't today.

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh my goodness Anonymous, that was incredibly kind of you to say. I am thankful for people who uplift us!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I guess I just look at hope as an expectant emotion, and I can honestly say that I don't expect things to get better. I just believe that no matter how ugly it gets, or how dark and scary it seems, God WILL send people with flashlights. One of my favorite quotes came from Judging Amy and her clerk said "Just remember, something worse is going to happen" ;0)

    PS, in case ya didn't know anonymous, you are a flashlight holder!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you- it is a pleasure to be a flashlight holder for you! Jaylin touches my heart, as all of you do, and sometimes it is good to care that deeply about something, so important, as making a chld's life work better. As you continue to undertake and manage her emotionally-charged journey, she will begin to find the strength to reclaim her life, rediscover her family that cares no matter what and return to something she had almost given up on ...her hope.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I truly hope so. If nothing else, I know she knows I am safe. She knows when she is here she can kick and scream and be crazy and I am just gonna "banore her" (ignore for those who don't know Jaylin language)

    ReplyDelete

You Want Her Whole

You want her whole. Trust me. For when she finds her muchness; when she gathers all the pieces of herself, all the pieces you have broke...