The Chosen

A Facebook friend of mine shared a news story this week about another incidence of child abuse and posed the following question:

I've noticed it's common for abusers to pick one or two children to give the most severe abuse to. Anyone know why?

The responses were many but there was one that really stood out (deeply upset) me that I think needs to be discussed because sadly this is not the first time I have heard it.

The response was this:

I think it comes down to literally who, if anyone, is prayin for them. God limits Himself to our free will, He needs to b invited to help, save us. Some prayer warrior somewhere ignored the call to pray... It's ALL ON US AS HUMANS until He returns!! Shoot, it coulda been ME and I'm sad about that.

My first 3 responses magically disappeared before I finished typing them which I think was God's way of telling me to slow down and be respectful because what I was saying needs to be heard and not discounted because of the angry undertones of my first few attempts.

I ended up with this:

Dear Person,

That is nonsense.

I am truly sorry for whatever you have learned or saw to make you think that even saying something so awful is ok.

Child abusers are opportunistic. It is about control, coercion, and causing pain. They choose one child over another because of a variety of reasons, almost always related to the ease of which they can. Having other children in the home that they can treat normally allows them to justify their treatment of the chosen child. It is at it's most basic level sinful human beings behaving sinfully in a broken world.

What it is absolutely NOT however is the result of one child being prayed for over another and I am truly heartbroken over anyone who may see or believe that post as it justifies the very reasoning abusers use to control their victims:

NO ONE CARES FOR YOU AND IF THEY DON'T GOD DOESN'T EITHER

The truth is the child survived the abuse because people were praying for them. The truth is that child is beautiful and strong and brave and God has already used what the devil meant for good to bring healing to hundreds if not thousands.

A more practical way to view it now that my head has decompressed a bit:

In what world are the following statements biblical?

Dear Child A,
Sorry you were abandoned by your mother and beaten and raped by your father when you were five while he left your brother alone. You see, no one was praying for you.  Love,
God

Or for those unfamiliar with abuse, maybe this will make more sense as to the ridiculousness of what was said above.

Dear Child B,
Sorry you have Autism and your brother does not. When your mother was pregnant with you she and others didn't pray hard enough. Perhaps they will be more diligent next time.
Love,
God

NC Regulatory and Licensing Services Investigation of Families First Support Services in Shelby, NC

As many of you know, my daughter experienced multiple instances of neglect while in the care of Families First Support Services in Shelby, NC. After finding a great deal of difficulty in reporting what happened to my child, as well as to find other instances where agencies have been reported for abuse or neglect, I have decided to bring it public. This will be a series of posts, not in a particular order as there is a mountain of information I am sorting through right now. I do not believe any parent would knowingly put their child in harms way, but as it stands, parents have NO way to know if an agency or facility has been reported for abuse or neglect. I have spent the last two months making literally hundreds of cold calls hoping to find a way to hold this agency accountable. I have been randomly lucky and will be sharing those agencies who have been helpful as well as those who were not. I am grateful to say that Lori Davis with the NC Department of Social Services: Regulatory and Licensing Division has been very helpful and proactive in getting the information necessary to prove that FFSS violated various administrative rules. I am currently unsure of what happens now but will keep you updated. 

The difficulty in reporting what are well documented instances of negligence has been incredibly distressing to me, especially considering the fact that McDonalds has to display their health rating and a complaint number. Are our children not more important than a hamburger? 

Tolerance Levels

As a trauma mama, I live in a completely different world than most of my friends, and many who choose to follow or friend me on social media. Though it brings me much grief, I don't even fault you for it.

Most days I'm jealous and envy your normal. But, I am not alone. I'm surrounded by other mothers who live in worlds you simply can't imagine; where your 5 year old making a moaning sound or your 16 year old waking up dry are a success. A world where the hope is to end the day outside of a psyc er or hospital visit, a world where you are more educated about medication and disease than the latest intern who has been assigned to your case.

I live in a world of darkness where light is sporadic and almost dreaded because of the knowledge it will quickly fade. I was reminded earlier of a time when I was still in church and one of my children said, "oh God" in front of the wrong person. She immediately chastised me saying, "I can't believe you let your child use the Lord's name in vain." I said, "Mam, I'm just glad it wasn't 'fuck you."

You see, while some of you are upset because your child didn't clean their room or because they have a C in science, there are mothers like myself who ache because their child cannot live with them or who go to bed in hysterics after the latest hours long tantrum that ended in a police visit or hospital admission.

We don't mean to be snippy or rude, we understand on a logical level that a C in science is a big deal, but we simply cannot reconcile that with the panic we felt when we got the call our daughter stabbed herself. We are trying. We are sorry.

We are sorry for feeling jealous and lost and terrified that we may never ever get to be worried about science class or rooms being cleaned. Our tolerance level is higher. It just is. It doesn't mean we don't care that our child is failing math, it just means that in our world, the fact that she sat through class deserves a standing ovation. We are trying. We are trying desperately to fit into a world that doesn't even exist to most.