Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Flashlight Holders

What is a flashlight holder you might ask?

In this most difficult time in my life, when all seemed dark, and scary, and overwhelming, when I could not see God, He sent people with flashlights to help me find my way home.

He knew I had been in the dark so long that the sunshine would only scare me away.

He knew that I was so lost that I had given up.

He knew there would be no magical transformation, that the road would be long and painful.

He knew I would trip and stumble.

And I have.

But over and over again, there each of you have been, arms extended, flashlights in hand.

In your kindness, I, for the first time in my life, have been able to see God's love for me.

I have been overwhelmed at the grace you have shown me.

From a delicious meal, a hand to hold, late night phone calls when I have been afraid, to refusing to let me sit still for too long and constant reminders that I am not my circumstance, You have each been a living breathing example of God's love for me.

I have tried and tried to write this so many times, and I know I'm not doing it justice. It is really too much for words.

I love you.

I would not be here without you, really.


The Disappearing, Reappearing Check

The past few days have been rather, well, stressful. I have struggled a great deal, mostly on my own, and generally within my own mind.
Monsters have seemed bigger than usual.
My hopes and dreams seemed farther away.
My energy level for chasing said dreams was drained.

And then today happened.

A few weeks ago our house was damaged in a storm and today I got a check from the insurance company in the mail. I signed it, and since I didn't have any deposit slips was smart enough to write all my bank info on it as well, and pulled into the Regions Bank Drive Thru.

I rolled down my window, and well, ya'll know how windy it's been?

My check went flying out the window!!!!!!

I pulled over and looked and looked for it.

I cried.

I was so flustered!

So I called the insurance company and cancelled the check and headed home feeling rather retarded.

And then I got a phone call, from someone named Junior, and he had found my check at Krogers (how it got there???? We shall NEVER know)

He had called our insurance company and they gave him my number.

He gave me his address and I headed on over, in complete disbelief.

He had every piece of info on that check to be me or my husband and have himself a couple thousand dollars.

Never the less, so as I get there he comes out, hands me the check, I thank him profusely and start to walk away.

He says "Mam, if you don't mind, I don't believe anything happens without a reason, and I think God has something He wants me to tell you".

Hmmmm...random guy with a message from God, makes me nervous, but I've seen stranger, and the way my life has gone lately, I stop and listen.

He says "Mam I know this is random, but God wants you to know that anything that is lost can be found, and that even when you have given up hope and cancelled your plans, He has not given up His plans for you, so you keep your faith, and don't let anyone convince you He is not able."

I am standing with with random guy, tears streaming, amazed at the timeliness of his message.

I am so undeserving. I fail Him every single day, but He sees my heart, and He knows I'm trying. He won't let me give up. He won't let me hear those doubting His promise to me.

I love Him.

You Want Her Whole

You want her whole. Trust me. For when she finds her muchness; when she gathers all the pieces of herself, all the pieces you have broke...