Friday, May 31, 2013

Sometimes



Sometimes I don't want to be super Mama.
Sometimes I don't want to be hypervigilant.
Sometimes I don't want to make sure that you and everyone around you are doing what they are supposed to when they are supposed to.
Sometimes I hate therapy appointments and Dr. visits and medication and making sure you take them and making sure you are being honest with therapist and Drs and gosh why can't you just tell the truth?
Sometimes I look at people who should, and I want to kick them in the throat. 
Sometimes I want to get in my car and drive and drive and never come back.
Sometimes I don't know what to say.
Sometimes I'm too afraid to say what I should.
Sometimes I get tired of explaining
Sometimes I get exhausted of defending your presence in our life. 
Sometimes I cry because I am so broken hearted about everything that is, and nothing that can be. 
Sometimes I want to smack other mothers in the face for bitching about their normal children.
Sometimes I am just tired, and lonely, and feel like I don't have a clue what to do with you and no one I talk to knows any better and I feel helpless and frustrated and scared.

But all the time, I am your mama.
All of the time, I promised.
All of the time I do what I said I would simply because I said I would.
All the time I try to educate others so they aren't so cruel to you.
All the time I make sure you have what you need even if it isn't home with me and breaks my heart.
All the time I admire your strength.
All the time, you are mine, and I am yours, and all the time is all we need to get wherever it is we are going. 

3 comments:

  1. I understand all the trying....

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  2. Thank you Denise, I know you are one of the few people who have a deep understanding of what it means to walk the road I have chosen. There are good and bad times. I am grateful for your wisdom and encouragement!

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