A year ago today I wrote the following...
"Oh stress and worry, my bitter enemy and closest companion. On days like today when monsters are real and heartache rumbles through my very bones I find myself longing for an end. My everything hurts and so much in me says give up, but something in me, something I don't quite understand, and yet, am so very drawn to, says hold on. Something in me says "don't let go, I have a plan, a purpose, a destiny for you." Very close to me, I have someone who says over and over again, "give up, it is hopeless, you are a liar and a crazy whore, God sold you out, you are nothing"...there are moments when those words suffocate me. And yet...I am still breathing. God why am I breathing??? I am so very tired. I am reminded of Jacob when he wrestled the Angel, even with a dislocated hip he said "I won't let go until you bless me". God, I don't know what you are doing. I don't even know that you care. I don't know if I will ever be more than this moment, but I hope. I hope that he is wrong. I hope that I am yours. I hope that someday I will be more than this. Until then...I won't let go."
Today, I woke up to my sweet Stephen kissing my shoulder. I looked up to see his beautiful face say "Good Morning Baby Girl". I heard my babies playing down the hallway. I checked my phone to see message after message from people who love me. I looked at facebook and rejoiced as grateful lists are spreading like wildfire. I made lunch for a man who took me for cheesecake at midnight simply because he loves me. I danced in a hallway as if no one else was around. I laughed. I made an 84 on a statistics test. I made collard greens, and pronounced it wrong, and smiled when my Stephen taught me otherwise. I comforted a friend. I laughed. I played. I simply was.
There was NOTHING on this day last year that even had a hint of what my today was. There was nothing about that day that showed any hope that I would be anything but dead by this time. For all intents and purposes, I was finished.
Ladies and Gentlefish, all is never lost. If you are breathing...there is hope. I am a walking talking example of that. Don't give up. Don't look at today. See tomorrow and know that anything is possible if you will only hang on. DON'T LET GO UNTIL HE BLESSES YOU!
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