Friday, May 25, 2012

He can move mountains, even when you don't know what the mountain really is

Feb. 13 came. My husband was granted his divorce. In the past few days I have realized something I could not see before. I was blinded by my hope for a reprieve, and deceived about what my "mountain" was. I thought that divorce was my mountain. It wasn't. More importantly though, without a divorce, people would have always been able to credit Brad for being merciful, or me for talking my way out of divorce. A human being, not God would have gotten glory. Over and over again, Brad and others said "oh wait till divorce, then she'll fall apart" or "this faith in God is only an attempt to save her marriage" or "she's just using God to keep her husband". I prayed dilligently for God to show people my heart and what He was doing. I cried and fussed, and even yelled and screamed at Him when they didnt. Over and over I said, "God this is so important, please open their eyes". You know what I know now? I needed my eyes opened. My marriage was not as important as my trust in God. It was not as important as my willingness to walk off the boat into the water, storm raging. Truth be told, my fears were made all the worse by the realization that I created the situation to drown. I deserved to drown. Trust was my mountain. Was I terrified? Yes. Did I beg and plead for mercy and intervention? Absolutely. And the tears, my goodness, I feel my cheeks may forever be streaked with them. But, I did not drown. He did not let me go. He did not leave. He was faithful. I was never alone. When I couldn't see Him, when I panicked, He sent each of you, at one point or another, to remind me. I will be forever grateful for that. In the end, on Feb. 13th, there was no rescue for my marriage. There was not a magical moment. There was no last minute miracle of a changed heart. He went in, he signed, he left. Done. By wordly standards I "lost". Oh, but I wish I could find some way to convey what I have gained. Miracle after miracle has occurred over the past few months, the biggest one, at 9 am on Feb. 13th. The miracle I have found, is that in that moment, when He said no, when everything I had hoped and prayed for, pleaded and begged for, was signed away as if it meant nothing, God was still God. He still loved me. He was still here. That lesson alone is worth every single tear.

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