Thursday, October 18, 2012

To My Anna Grace

So many things I want to say, and none of them make sense. I love you. That is the easy part, except of course, the part about where my actions didn't show that. I wouldn't forgive me either. I see you talking to others from our world, and my heart aches so much I can't breathe. I honestly had no idea what to do with you. I did everything the professionals said, and you just kept getting sicker. We bounced from professional to professional. All seemed hopeless until you were assessed by the people at Evergreen. I begged them for help and they acted as if that is what they would do, and at the last minute they took you away. The man who made the final decision went home that day and killed himself. No kidding. And no one would go back on what he said. They spent months sending me to training and pretending you were coming home, all the while sending you to attachment therapy and making adoption arrangements with your "new" mom. Nope, I didn't respond well to that at all. I flipped quite the hell out. Crazy is an understatement. But what mama wouldn't when their child was taken? And I had NO support. The professionals looked at you as a "disrupted placement". My abusive ex husband looked at you as one more thing I brought home. Most of my friends and family were perplexed as to why a child that was not "mine" made me so heartbroken. I have no way to explain that. You were simply mine. I loved you as that. There was never any in between. You were never the "foster child" or anything like that. You were mine. I loved you with all of me, and when you left, you took so very much of my heart with you. I feel bad because I know that for a great long time, my heart was so broken by my love and loss of you, that I did not love anyone else very well. I want you to know that because of you, and my love for you, and the effort I put into being a mother when no one ever had any intention of letting me do that at all, two very amazing girls got help. I spent all this time learning about RAD and how and what to do, and it all made sense...and I wanted so very much to have you home. There was a day when I walked into the foster care agencies office and they said "you have to go, Angel just left attachment therapy" and I literally died on the spot. I knew what it meant. I knew then that you were never coming home to me. I knew that that I could never ever really be your mom. Please know that there has never ever been a day that you have not been on my mind. I love you so very much. I am so very sorry that I did not fight for you. I didn't know that I could. I am sorry that I let myself get so broken. You will always have a place in my life, regardless of the title, regardless of whether you ever choose to take that place. I love you more than I will ever ever be able to put into words. You were never ever forgotten or thought less of. I can't pump gas and not think of you, gosh you loved that! And every time I look at my Abby and her blue eyes, I think about how happy you were when she was born and had eyes like you and it just brings me to a place where things don't hurt so much. I hate that you never got to know Isaiah. He is fantastic. There hasn't been a time when he did not know you and how very much you mean to me. I love you. I am here. I am here even if you can never forgive me. I am here, and I love you, and you changed my world forever. Love, Me.

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