Crying and Screaming

I can't remember
I can't forget
I wake up at night, 
screaming about things I don't remember.
crying about the things I do
Sick at my stomach and unable to move
I can't put a face on it, 
was it him or him, was I big or small, 
but my body remembers . . .
If only I could remember,
I could work my way through
If only I could forget,
I could pretend I'm normal
unbroken and unafraid
but no.
Not this time
Maybe never
Maybe monsters will always be bigger
Maybe I will always be stuck in the place of remembering and forgetting and 
wishing for neither. 

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