Crying and Screaming

I can't remember

I can't forget

I wake up at night, 

screaming about things I don't remember.

crying about the things I do

Sick at my stomach and unable to move

I can't put a face on it, 

was it him or him, was I big or small, 

but my body remembers . . .

If only I could remember,

I could work my way through

If only I could forget,

I could pretend I'm normal

unbroken and unafraid

but no.

Not this time

Maybe never

Maybe monsters will always be bigger

Maybe I will always be stuck in the place of remembering and forgetting and 

wishing for neither.