So I have made some poor decisions. I have hurt people I care about badly. I got into a cycle of guilt and sabatage.
If you read the "can't you see" blog, you know that two sundays at New Life church in Colorado Springs, I asked for, and recieved God's forgiveness. The burden of sin has truly been lifted. That is great, and wonderful, but it does not change my circumstance. It does not change or heal the wounds I have caused. That is the hard part.
If you know me at all, you know I am a fixer. I am a people pleasing addict. I hate hate hate to see anyone hurting, which is further exacerbated by knowing it was me who caused the wounds.
I have been spinning in circles, making things only worse.
On my drive home from Colorado I heard sermon after sermon on Being Still and Knowing. I have ping ponged back and forth between "Ok God you can have it, please help me fix my mess, please heal the wounds I have caused" to panicked scrambling to try and fix things on my own. I am exhausted an no better off than when I started.
Tonight I had another "woooooo hooooo hey remember what I said!" moment.
I saw Psalm 46:1-3, 10 on something I was reading, and decided to look it up. While the scripture was relevant, it was a side note that spoke the most to me, it was that that I desperately needed to hear.
"Things in life often fall apart all at once. Name your crisis du jour. You have a bitter fight with your husband or boyfriend-and it seems as if a piece of your secure world falls at your feet. Layoffs threaten your job-another chunk drops. Your single mom breaks her hip-yet another piece falls. When life is crashing down around you, do you work even harder to hold it together? Try a different approach: BE STILL. Find comfort and stregnth in God, and stop trying so hard to fix everything. No matter how many pieces fall, you will have God's inner peace.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
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