What I learned in 2010

This year has been beyond words, or rather full of so much that it will take a book to explain it, and honestly I'm working on it.

My, this journey, painful but beautiful beyond anything I was ever brave enough to dream.

Rather than lay it out, I thought it would be cool to do a "What I've learned this year" instead. I have gone thru my 2010 "What I've learned today" posts from www.beautifullychaotic2009.blogspot.com, picked some of my favorites, and added in a few here and there. They are in no particular order. I'm too overwhelmed (in a good way) to organize right now. Save it for a rainy night.

Before that, I have to say thank you. I should NOT have made it thru this year. I would not be here without some of you, and the God above who sent you to me. Thank you for every kind word (and even the get off your hiney ones), for every reminder of who I could be, for calling me out when I was slipping, for every hug, sermon preached, dinner cooked and phone call. Each of you are truly and example of God's love and grace for me. I can't even type it without tears rolling. My very existence is because of you.

The number one thing I have learned this year is that God loves me.

He is the only one capable of loving me just as I am. He loves me when I fail. He loves me when I am scared, whiney, angry. He loves me when I'm not funny. He loves me when I'm skinny or fat. He loves me when I'm lost. He loves me when I'm found. He loves every tear, and every belt of laughter.

He loves me. And guess what? He loves you too.

He who has begun a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

Everyone gets lost, at one point or another, in one way or another. No one is exempt. Sometimes, there is great fanfare around the lost, and sometimes, no one notices, but it happens none the less.

You are NEVER too lost to go home, even if home is a little different.

You can feed 5 kiddos, bandage a knee, and detach a turtle from a child's finger in under 10 minutes

Silence is far more accusatory, overwhelmingly more painful, than any word or action could be capable of causing.

God does not care if you leave the state, or even cross the country, He will hunt you down and make sure you are listening to Him.

There is NO ugly view in Colorado Springs.

Fresh air feels amazing in your lungs!

There really is such thing as a "Rocky Mountain High"

When the view is gorgeous, I will willingly walk miles a day with a smile on my face!

Isaiah speaks squirrel, crow, and a little raccoon.

Self tanner+tears=a ridiculous facial complexion. Hello Zebradom.

Abby can stop a hundred squirmy first graders when she sings.

Washing oversized comforters in your bathtub is not nearly as fun as I remember it being when I was a kid.

Mandisa has written a very beautiful new song "He is with You"

I have some of the very best flashlight holders in the whole world. You know who you are. Thank you.

If scientist find an abandoned bear cub, they will rub him down with vicks vapo rub and put him in another mother's den while she is sleeping. When she wakes up, all she will smell is the vapo rub, and will lick all the cubs clean, and by the time she is done, they will all smell like her, and she will take them all as her own.

16 oz of spinach, 2 banannas, one apple (not peeled but cored), 2 oz of honey, 8 oz of vanilla yogurt, 16 oz of milk, blended together, make a delicious smoothie, and the kids are oblivious to the healthiness of it! WOOO HOOO!

Being incapicitated by a broken ankle will add fifteen pounds to your hiney in less than a month.

No matter how many times I put Abby to bed, or what time it is, she will keep getting up.

Guinea pigs have sex within 12 hours of having babies....oh lord women can you imagine?????

If Jayin yells, and I whisper, it gives her a headache.

If she mumbles, and I speak clearly, it gives her a headache.

You cannot win with the mentally ill.

When you are helping someoene else, you are not thinking about how sad you are.

Reaching out keeps you from collapsing in.

When you fall down, especially if there is blood involved, vultures will come, and fast.

It sometimes takes me a minute to figure vultures from friends, but I will.

I am the vulture master.

Beagles are needy little fockers.

Petting stinky, but beautiful malamutes, just makes you smell like a stinky malamute, lol, you don't get the beautiful!

I can find a million explanations other than what the truth actually is

I'm retardedly honest. I talk to much, tell to much, but in general I feel it does two things...one if I know someone knows what I'm struggling with, I think twice before I do it. And two, time and time again, I am contacted by people who struggle with the very same things. God is using my falling, and one day, I'll fly.

I am one resilient little focker!

If you spill a gallon of homemade laundry detergent on your kitchen floor, it will be super shiny and slick.
Wet socks have NO traction.
Laundry detergent, which you do not get to wash off for two hours because of a raging kiddo, itches.
A lot.

A piece of glass can hold it shape and still be ashes, you only have to touch it to find out.

When you are sad digging thru burnt up things you knew your mother loved, a kitten crawling out of nowhere can make you smile.

Kittens rescued from fire are very loving and thankful.

Sometimes you NEED a mouthy friend to speak truth into your life.

The aftermath of a fire is overwhelming, even if it wasn't yours.

You go can from noticing that your guinea pig is pregnant, to having three guinea pig babies, in less than 12 hours.

Livy figured out hiding icing in the cat food bag was a great idea.

You can go to bed and wake up and your world be drastically different.

You can drive uphill for 15 hours straight. BOTH WAYS!

Well placed dish detergent in the dishwasher will make lots of bubbles.

A bubbly floor is one shiny floor!

We all need to be more honest and open with each other. I am becoming increasingly aware that "discretion" and "private matters" are the number one weapon of the enemy to God and His people. We think that by putting on face we set a good example. That does two things, it makes God and everybody look horrible when people see thru our facade, and it leaves people feeling like they are alone in their brokenness and I think that is even worse.

You cannot see the stars without a little darkness, and sometimes a lot of darkness, but keep looking up.

NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP. Sit down, lay down even, but you get back up and you keep moving forward!!!!!

Miracles exist, not so much in healing and restoration, as in the strength, mercy, and grace God provides as you navigate the situations you face.

There was a child went forth

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object she look'd upon, that object she became;
And that object became part of her for the day, or a certain part of the day, or for many years, or stretching many years

The smell of pancakes, that spelled her name, freeze dried milk, and sunshine
Fall leaves piled high, siblings running rampant, and soft fall breezes
Discarded school books and stacks of paper, pens and pencils, and broken crayons, they became part of her.

Sadness and alone, swinging arms and uncertainty, became part of her.
Coldness and oatmeal and oatmeal and oatmeal.
Missing mama and home and normal
Tall oak trees with branches big enough to hide her, formed her early life

Suicide and murder, abuse and neglect
life's very ugliest, tried hard to come inside
to form who it is she was
but there was too much goodness, and they,
they did not become part of her

Fast thrown balls, high school jerseys, friends in abundance
Recipes and cooking, her passion
Necessity induced creativity
Struggles brought tenacity

Brown eyed brown skinned babies,
Two beautiful gifts, never planned but always wanted
the sweet sound of heaven in human form, became her
skin to skin love shared with someone so small who meant so big
late nights, breastfeeding, crying, baby lotion, and unfathomable love

Strong will and faith, Jesus and the hope He alone can bring
A return to school, endless struggles
make her stronger
babies and books, past haunts and todays troubles
and yet she smiles

fragmented words
sewn together with strings of tears
pieces formed in broken promises and nothingness
mistakes and misunderstandings
become the very fabric of her

But of those things, she made a lovely quilt
made with all the pieces of yesterday
and hopes for tomorrow
These became part of that child who went forth everyday,
and who now goes,
and who will always go forth every day

Flashlight Holders

What is a flashlight holder you might ask?

In this most difficult time in my life, when all seemed dark, and scary, and overwhelming, when I could not see God, He sent people with flashlights to help me find my way home.

He knew I had been in the dark so long that the sunshine would only scare me away.

He knew that I was so lost that I had given up.

He knew there would be no magical transformation, that the road would be long and painful.

He knew I would trip and stumble.

And I have.

But over and over again, there each of you have been, arms extended, flashlights in hand.

In your kindness, I, for the first time in my life, have been able to see God's love for me.

I have been overwhelmed at the grace you have shown me.

From a delicious meal, a hand to hold, late night phone calls when I have been afraid, to refusing to let me sit still for too long and constant reminders that I am not my circumstance, You have each been a living breathing example of God's love for me.

I have tried and tried to write this so many times, and I know I'm not doing it justice. It is really too much for words.

I love you.

I would not be here without you, really.

The Disappearing, Reappearing Check

The past few days have been rather, well, stressful. I have struggled a great deal, mostly on my own, and generally within my own mind.
Monsters have seemed bigger than usual.
My hopes and dreams seemed farther away.
My energy level for chasing said dreams was drained.

And then today happened.

A few weeks ago our house was damaged in a storm and today I got a check from the insurance company in the mail. I signed it, and since I didn't have any deposit slips was smart enough to write all my bank info on it as well, and pulled into the Regions Bank Drive Thru.

I rolled down my window, and well, ya'll know how windy it's been?

My check went flying out the window!!!!!!

I pulled over and looked and looked for it.

I cried.

I was so flustered!

So I called the insurance company and cancelled the check and headed home feeling rather retarded.

And then I got a phone call, from someone named Junior, and he had found my check at Krogers (how it got there???? We shall NEVER know)

He had called our insurance company and they gave him my number.

He gave me his address and I headed on over, in complete disbelief.

He had every piece of info on that check to be me or my husband and have himself a couple thousand dollars.

Never the less, so as I get there he comes out, hands me the check, I thank him profusely and start to walk away.

He says "Mam, if you don't mind, I don't believe anything happens without a reason, and I think God has something He wants me to tell you".

Hmmmm...random guy with a message from God, makes me nervous, but I've seen stranger, and the way my life has gone lately, I stop and listen.

He says "Mam I know this is random, but God wants you to know that anything that is lost can be found, and that even when you have given up hope and cancelled your plans, He has not given up His plans for you, so you keep your faith, and don't let anyone convince you He is not able."

I am standing with with random guy, tears streaming, amazed at the timeliness of his message.

I am so undeserving. I fail Him every single day, but He sees my heart, and He knows I'm trying. He won't let me give up. He won't let me hear those doubting His promise to me.

I love Him.

How Long?

How long do I lay here?
When is it ok to stand?
Could someone please show me the rules?
I don't know them
I only know I can't take one more moment in this place

How long do I cry here?
When is it ok to smile again?
Could someone please show me the rules?
I don't now them
I only know the salty tears have burned lines in my skin.

If You Are A Mama of Many

If you are the Hacker Tribe Mommy

~There is no such thing as boring
~You can feed 5 kiddos, bandage a knee, and detach a turtle from a child's finger in under 10 minutes
~You have five little people who think you are superhuman and you try your best to be
~You say things like "who is licking Isaiah", "No you can't have marshmallows for breakfast", "Why did you think you could make your room a swimming pool", and "please stop barking, you are annoying the dog"
~You know what loving and sweet really is
~You praise your child because they get a duck tomorrow and have no idea what that means while secretly praying it isn't a real duck.
~You find an oddly placed spoon or fork somewhere atleast once a day though the oddest place was on top of a hanging picture frame
~There is always, always a reason to smile
~You tell Abby go to bed at least fifty times a night, and she never stays there.
~You wash 3 loads of laundry a day and are never done.
~Hugs are never on short supply
~Your expectations flex in five different ways all day long because you love them just as they are
~Overstimulated is at times an understatement
~It's only $8, actually means $40.
~Ramon noodles are your best friend
~You have Hanna Montana episodes memorized
~You are reminded of God's grace all day long
~You have a house full of broken, odd, misunderstood and misplaced creatures and humans because your babies have seen your compassion and live it out
~Whenever you are feeling low, you can look at their beauty and know you can't be all bad because you helped to make someone so amazing.

When she is quiet

When she is quiet
she is oh so loud inside.
When she is smiling,
tears soak her pillows.
When she is surrounded by people,
she feels more alone than ever.
And when she has had enough,
of never being enough,
she decides she isn't going to play anymore.
She is going to live,
And laugh,
And love,
without you
Cause while she was quiet
She heard you.
And while she was crying
She saw you
And while you stood close
She figured you out