Friday, December 11, 2009

beautifully chaotic: What I learned today...12/10/2009

beautifully chaotic: What I learned today...12/10/2009: "Sleeping babies feel fantastic cuddled up next to you!
I should go see my new nephew more.
39 hours of no sleep, plus Jaylin getting up every two hours when I did lay down, makes for a very exhausted morning.
I am no good at meetings on no sleep.
I have neglected the socks in the house.
You can fill a washer with socks.
Olive oil and brown sugar, instead of soap, makes dry skin feel amazing, and you smell like cake!
Sleep deprivation elevates my normal depression issues.
While Mia will rip the new dogs throat over a stuffed frog, She still cowers from Alfie (the 10 lb cat)!
In the world of Mia and kitties, the kitties still get the food!!!!
You can learn a lot by 11 am."

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

What I learned today...12/08/2009

Hmmmm not all things learned are good, but they will all work together for your good, even when you can't see it, because HE promised.

Our in home therapist has taken a new supervisory position and will no longer be handling Jaylin's case.

It's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball~Damien Rice, is still one of my favorite lyrics, especially on days like today.

Our case manager had herself removed from Jaylin's case because we share a similar meeting place.

Two supports knocked over in one day makes me want to scream.

The State of Tennessee has chosen to drop Jaylin's investigation into the abuse suffered at Laurel Heights.

Strike three, Mama's out, yep, I cried.

But my bathroom is immaculate, and tomorrow's dinner is baked, and almost all my laundry is done.

Yay stress cleaning.

Angry lasagna is not good. It does not even look good, baking it too fast, and on too high a temperature did not help.

I should not cook when angry.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

What I learned today...12/06/2009

Today I learned...

Snow melts fast, five foot snow men not so much!

My children continue to suffer from a fear of lids, or rather putting lids on.

And closed cabinets.

And something about clothes being in drawers really puts them in a panic.

My wonderful Northridge Community Church Family, specifically, Faith and Pricilla, are bringing us dinner tomorrow! I'm so grateful!!!!

I can never make enough potato pancakes, or regular pancakes for that matter, ahhh the cost of being a pancake extraordinaire!

A cat intent on laying on your hair, will hop right back up after being thrown down, no less than 23 times before YOU give up.





Saturday, December 05, 2009

I'm not sure it's a blessing being considered my friend

a 75lb malamute, who is supposed to weigh 150. Fungus covered guinea pigs. Broken shell hermit crabs. Little kids with no mommies. Homeless, come on over. I am not so sure being my friend is a compliment. Lets see...on me....in and out of foster care, struggling greatly with bulimia and cutting, a complete inability to fathom God's love, though I try to share it with others, and mood swings better than any roller coaster you've ever known. This is me. These are my friends. Broken, I Love It.




what I've learned today....


Beef stew is not a good substitute for my weight gaining meatballs for Vega.

Two stupid dogs will fight over their own dog vomit.

I can sleep thru most anything.

The quickest way to end your victorious battle in the pissing war, is to thank Jesus it has been nine days free of pee in your house.

Sick and Mom having a night out was just too much for Ms Jaylin...bring on the pee.

It is incredibly defeating to go so long and then wake up to that.



I enjoy purposefully misspelling words because I am so anal retentive about spelling.




UGH.

Adding Gain fabric softener is fantastic in homemade laundry detergent.

My genius child has a C in math. She is soooo grounded!

I misssssss dancing.

This she says as she listens to Mario.




God can repair any relationship.



Microwaved doughnuts are the shiznat!

Raccoons are not scared of anything, hmmmm our tenacity must rub off on the wildlife.

Peace fockers!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

What I've learned lately...

For those who have read awhile, ya know I used to do the "What I learned today" blog, well, the time has come, or rather I have come to a place to pick it up....Starting slow...be patient as I get back in the habit...here goes...

I've learned lately....

Things are rarely as they seem

Fresh peanut butter, sucks, even if you mix it with chocolate and give it a fancy name and charge $6 a container....

Pigs like dog biscuits (thanks Kristie)

It takes one month and 18 days for your body to decide a piece of plastic string is not in fact supposed to be there.

There is nothing more disgusting than pulling string out of your own belly button, but it was less scary than letting the little mexican nurse have at it again.

When the bottom element in your stove explodes, it sounds like the house has exploded, but makes very pretty green and purple colors.

A starving dog can gain 20 lbs in less than two weeks.

When you cut ugliness out of your life, it will seek many a way to get back in.

Sushi Blues has lost its sushi worthy standing...

If you say to yourself "this taste weird" it's best not to taste test again...

Olive oil and course brown sugar make the best exfoliating rub, and leave your skin feeling like heaven.

If a white child, washes their hair with shampoo for a black child, it takes 4 days to get out.

I need to put up Michaela's bath stuff.

The most children born to one woman was 69, she was a peasant who lived a 40 year life, in which she had 16 twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets

And finally....

there is no quicker way to get an 11 yr old's attention, than to remove the dvd cords from their tv

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Sea

I saw the sea today, but the sea did not see me.

So many years I've waited.

So many years I've feared this moment.

What would it feel like to fall into the icy blue that once sent my soul reeling?

I've dreamed of our reunion, the salty water, cleansing our wounds, washing away the sadness.

And there I was

Standing.

So close, I could see the sparkle of her waves.

And I stood.

I stood, unable to move, begging to breathe.

Joy, urging me forward.

Fear, demanding I stay.

Twisted and torn, I watched as the sea began her journey home.

MOVE.

STOP.

RUN.

RUN AWAY.

And I stood.

Just as it was, the sea returned.

My presence insignificant.

My dreams, just dreams.

I have learned

I Have Learned Silence From The Talkative,

Tolerance From The Intolerant,

Appreciation From The Ungrateful,

And Kindness From The Unkind.

In anger, I discovered what forgiveness means.

In frustration, I learned to wait a little longer.

In sickness, I learned to appreciate simply living.

I have learned creativity from poverty,

compassion from pain,

joy from sorrow.

In weakness, I found I was stronger than I ever imagined.

Strangly, I Am Grateful For My Teachers and each of my lessons, For They Have Made Me All that I am, and all they will never be...

(part of this is from another quote I found, that got me thinking on all the things I have learned from the things I've experienced in my little world)

Darkness and Light

Sometimes while walking through the forest, the darkness encroaches so slowly that you don't notice that it's there. Your eyes adjust to the lack of sunlight, you move forward, unaware. You never stumble or falter or realize that there is anything at all wrong with your travels.

And by and by the sun begins to rise, a sun you never noticed was missing. A flicker of light makes it's way between the trees, shining onto your pale and sullen face.

At first, you close your eyes, the light being too much to handle. You turn around and try to move away from it. It becomes hard to see. Your focus is lost. You are scared but drawn. You can't move or breathe or feel.

And the light gets brighter. . .

Your eyes begin to adjust to the way things should be. You remember what it was once like to see the details in the world around you. A familiar joy rises up within in you, beckoning your forward. You move faster and step closer anxious to continue to allow your world to brighten. You are chasing the sun, terrified of losing it again, of getting lost in the darkness, unaware.

Can I check the mail?


Can I check the mail? A very simple request my little one has asked me every day this week. I thought nothing of it. I should have.
She's been very obviously stressed for days but not really talking. Today we were cleaning the kitchen together and she asks again if she can check the mail and I tell her that it's too early. She stops for a minute, looking intently into my eyes, searching for the safety to ask her next question.
"Did my mom get my letter cause she hasn't written me back".
Huh?
"I wrote __________ a letter and I put it in the mailbox. I didn't know how to spell her name so I put mom but I know you are my mom."
Oh my....so much sadness in her eyes now and all I know to do is hug her. I tell her that I am not sure if she has gotten yet, buying myself a little time.
She said "I just asked her something and told her that I hate her".
What did you ask her baby?
"I asked her cause she left me and I went to sleep and woke up and things was crawlin on me. Moms don't do that do they mommy? And I made a heart and put an x in it cause I don't love her."
9, 9 year olds shouldn't have to ask those types of questions. 9 year olds should not have to be disposable.
I told her as sweetly as I could that I loved her very very much and that her birthday mommy didn't know how to be a mommy and that she worked very hard to make sure that she got to come and live with a mom like me.
"And you make me hot chocolate"
"And you don't let things crawl on me"
"And I can eat here"
"Yes baby, of course, and I'm so happy that you are here. I love you being my baby of the heart," I managed to squeak out.
Again she asks to go check the mail and despite the fact that it's only 9 am, I let her because she is waiting. She is waiting to know the answers to questions that I don't think can be answered. I am praying that in this case her simplistic thinking will be our saving grace.
I've thought alot about it all day. I've cried about it. I've also decided that tomorrow when my little girl gets off the bus and checks the mail, that she will have a letter from her birthday mom.
I will write the words her mother was too sick to write to questions my baby girl never got to ask. I will tell her that I am sorry. I will tell her that I am proud of how hard she has worked to get better. I will tell her that I never learned how to be a mommy and that I am glad she has a forever family. I will answer the questions that 9 year old babies should never ever have to ask.
And this is how it went....
I wrote about thirty versions of a letter in which I had no idea what I wanted to say. I thought about my dad. What would I want him to say. Mostly just I'm sorry.
Ugh anyway so she got home at three thirty. and ran right to the mailbox as she has every day for far too many...
She stopped and looked through the mail, she stopped on one, studied it. She recognized her name but not most of the words. She brought it in and said "Mommy does that say Jaylin" And I said yes. She said, "And does that say ___________?" I said yes. "What else does it say mom," she asked?  As I read the letter to her, I watched her face soften. She said, "What do you think she is saying at me mommy."
I think she is saying that she is sorry sweetie and she is saying that she didn't know how to be a mommy and so she did the only thing that she knew to do. She let you go even though it made her so very sad.
And my baby girl curled up into my arms for a moment, soaking in the words, resting on me. After a few moments she hopped up and asked to call her daddy. She told him about the letter and what they both said. Content, she hung up and walked away.
Completely relaxed and calm she laughed her way outside. The next two hours I watched as she rode back and forth on her bike and laughed and was little. If only I could make her little everyday....

You Want Her Whole

You want her whole. Trust me. For when she finds her muchness; when she gathers all the pieces of herself, all the pieces you have broke...