Monday, June 07, 2010

Shame is a 4 letter word (Written August 2010)

I copied my online Mommy Hero Christine's title for this one, simply because there is no other title that would fit. Oddly enough, we were both writing about the same subject, negative thought processes, at the same time.

This is hard for me.

While I am generally free with who I am, and what my failures are, I don't generally disclose specific thoughts, especially the ugliest of them.

So be kind. Or at least quiet.

What I whave learned in the past few weeks is that my thoughts are not isolated to me. I am not the only one feeling this way. Many of you have messaged me, sharing similar stories and hurts. I struggled with whether or not to talk about my most private thoughts during this time of vulnerability, but what I realized is that if I speak out, so might you, and neither of us will be bound by shame anymore.

I recently bought my very first for me bible. In it, I found the most relevant for now, and powerful statement...

"The best way to combat temptation is to name Satan's lies, and then hold onto God's truths".

Wow.

So I sat down, and I thought of every negative thing I could think of that runs through my head in those broken moments, and I wrote them down. Over the next few days, whenever any negative thought entered my mind, I wrote it down too.

I have spent the last several days researching those thoughts vs. God's word. What does God say about what I'm thinking? And I've wrote that down too. I'm working diligently to memorize the rebuttals to my "hate thoughts".

Now when my brain says "You are too awful for anyone to love you", I remember God says "because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions" Ephesians 2:4.

I could write and write about the freedom I found in this, but rather, I am going to make a list of sorts, Coping Cards is what Christine calls them...if one fits, take it with you, but make your own.

I am not good enough for God to love me, I make too many mistakes to be a Christian
Mark 2:17 says "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteoous, but sinners to repentance"

I am alone
Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do no be afraid; do not be discouraged"

I am crazy
1 Timothy 2:7 says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of LOVE, POWER, and a SOUND MIND!"

I am bound up by my past
John 8:36 says "If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed"

I am and will always be a failure
1 Corinthians 1:8-9 says "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his son Jesus Christ, our Lord, is faithful"

My life is over. I should end it.
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" and Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD

I can't do this
Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength"

I am fat and ugly
Psalm 139:14 says "I will praise you because I am beautifully and wonderfully made"

God does not care that I am depressed
Psalm 116 says
" 1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave [a] came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

6 The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

10 I believed; therefore [b] I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

11 And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

12 How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

16 O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant [c] ;
you have freed me from my chains

Cutting will make me feel better when I am flipping out
Phillipians 4:6-9 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A small side note here...as many of you know, I have struggled with cutting since I was very young. I have found it a very common act of self harm for those who have suffered sexual abuse. What I did not realize, is that it is even discussed in the bible!!!! And furthermore, that Jesus healed the man who did it, and is therefore able to heal me! And you!!!!

The story of this can be found in In Mark 5, the story of Jesus healing the demon possessed man. I have read it hundreds of times, but it was not until recently, in crying out to God for help, that I noticed Mark 5:5 "Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he could cry out and cut himself with stones"

Wow.

This is not my whole list, geez that would take all day to do, and mommy duty calls, but it is a starting point, and highlights some of the thoughts that some of you, as my friends, have shared with me as well. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Don't spend one more moment hanging your head down in guilt and shame. Remember, "you are beautifully and wonderfully made"

4 comments:

  1. Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvgMIerTXl4&feature=related) is a joke, but in reality replacing negative thoughts with positive ones really does work. "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and by golly people like me." I find that is especially true for me. I "fake it until I make it."

    I hang out with positive, affirming people who bring out the best in me (and expect it from me so I want to live up to their expectations). Living with my RAD children has been difficult for me because they do not give me any positive affirmations. Sounds very PollyAnna, but it works for me.

    The Feeling Good Handbook is one I haven't read in a long time, but what I remember of it is that it goes along these lines. If you can't find a copy I'd be happy to loan mine to you.

    Mary in TX

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  2. Sweetie...this is awesome! I am so amazed at the clarity God has provided during this time. I'm so very proud of you! I love you bunches! --Kristie

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  3. Thank you so much Mary, I will try to locate that book, and I love Stuart Smalley! He always made me laugh! Thank you for the link!

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  4. Kristie, you are amazing, I love you! Thank you for being my friend!

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