What I've learned today....

Hersheys chocolate has no milk or dairy products in it.

Neither do Marshmallows, how crazy is that?

When you are helping someoene else, you are not thinking about how sad you are.

Reaching out keeps you from collapsing in.

Beagles are needy little fockers.

Rufus gets oh so sad when the bus comes and the kids leave. He howls, and howls, and howls.

Brad's friend Pat, says he will never stop that.

UGH.

He is so flippin loud. Shew, and once he gets upset, he is upset for a LONG time. There is no picking him up and calming him down! He needs doggie xanex.

The bread on Talia's page, is delicious.

Ozzy only believes in the Jesus with long hair and a beard.

Concrete thinker girl is totally distressed because someone told her about the holy ghost and the only ghosts in her world are bad.

But she gets upset about a million other things so I am not stressin.

If I cut my hair, she does not know me, a toddler in a 11 year old body. It is NOT NOT NOT Fun.

Now imagine bathing an 11 year old. And feeding her. And dressing her. It sucks.

My nephew Micah adores me. I can talk him down out of any situation.

Someone I care about has a child who is very sick. Please pray for them. I am not at liberty to share info with you right now.

If your child refuses to do her work, for long enough, they will try to send her to the retard class. Ok ok ok, I know that is not the pc description, but have I ever lived in a pc world? NO!

So I guess I am going to have to homeschool her. And I am terrified.

Pee and bleach will make you choke.

Oh cuz that's bleach and ammonia.

The common mistake made riding mental illness roller coasters, and why I don't do it anymore...

When parenting the chronically mentally ill, one is, in many ways, a passenger on a roller coaster. It's full of highs and lows, twists and turns, scary, and fun moments. It is frightening and exiherating depending on where you are at any given time. Over and over again, you hop on, for one reason or another, and each time, you go up, down, and sideways.
One of the mistakes I used to make, was to get caught up in the twist of the time. I would get so excited about the travel upward, that I forgot in only moments I would be dropping sharply down. In the same token, I would become so afraid on the drop, forgot the rise was coming, and keep my eyes closed, missing the joy of moving upward.
The problem with that riding that way, is that the fluctions will drive you nuts. If you go moment to moment and forget about the past cycles of the ride, it will always own you. It will control you and your emotions. Life will pass you by while you are busy riding.
But alas my sweet parent friends, if you take notice of each twist and turn, and keep track of them, you are ready. If you look at each change as a part of the ride, you can make the ride yours. You can sail down frightening hills knowing the in moments you will be wisked upward. You can twist upside down and know your feet will soon hit the ground. You are prepared.
Don't get lost in the moments. Learn them.

She had to see her mom...

Since I'm apparently in the mood to share all my fumbling and bumblings, I wanted to tell ya this one too!

A few years ago my children and I attended a foster parent pool party with eighty or so foster children. We work for a level 2 and 3 agency so the children they deal with have experienced major trauma and have a plethora of major issues.

The children and I arrived and I was shocked at how quickly Rachel, my biological child, resorted to acting like a crazy person. Oh my goodness, she starts throwing herself on the ground in front of everyone. People are staring, hell, the other kids are even staring. And here I sit, with my two-parent-middle- class-superdeedooper-loving-family child, totally outshining every other emotionally disturbed child in the area.

A woman who I do not know or care to know at this point approaches me. She looks at me with the most understanding eyes "gosh, it really is so hard on them", she says.

I stand there a minute, thinking, or rather not, as I reply "gosh I know, she had to see her mom today".....

take a minute and let that one sink in.....

Leaf Blowers

Tyler Perry, my most favorite playwright, gave the most eloquent speech when I went to see Madea Goes to Jail a couple of years ago in Atlanta. As I am re-doing much of my life, getting back to me, I have been reminded of this most important lesson.

This is a terrible Jessi rendition of his speech on Trees. Pardon my lacking, but I believe you can find it on you tube if you look.

I compare the people in my life to parts of a tree. Most of the people in my life, in the world are like leaves. The wind blows they are over here, it blows again, they are over there, they are unstable. They are there to take from the tree and provide a little shade sometimes. They disappear with the changing of the seasons.

Don't get mad at the leaves, it's who they are. So much heartache is caused by people trying to make leaves permanent. So much time is spent wasted on trying to hold onto someone who was only supposed to be with you for a season. Let them go.

There are other people who are like a branch. They make you think they are a friend, that they are strong, but when you step out, they will break and leave you high and dry.

Now pay attention...If you can find you two or three people in your life like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. Those people aren't going anywhere. A tree can have a hundred million branches and only a few roots to get what it needs. Without the roots the tree would die. You can cut the whole tree down and the roots will still be trying to send up nourishment and get the tree growing again. Roots are not seen and don't care to be seen. They are there for the tree, to keep the tree grounded, to give the tree what it needs to survive.

Many thanks to Tyler Perry for being so wise! You can find more info on him at www.tylerperry.com

I'll skip past the leaves and branches, I"ve wasted enough time there already. I'm learning to take them for what they are. I've made the mistake of hanging onto leaves and branches. Ah... but each day I get a little smarter. You will be happy to know that most recently I purchased a leaf blower .

To the roots in my life, I am sincerely thankful. You have been such a blessing to me. The storms I have faced, only further showing me how very vital your presence is in my life. Tho the winds many times shredded my tree, you were there to make sure I wasn't lost forever, and for that I am grateful.

Funny Tribe Moments

One of my favorite classes in college was a Philosopy Class taught by Paul Tudico. He is despised among most because he is incrediby witty and challenges every thought good or bad. You best be certain of what you think and believe about things before spending much time around him, because he will question all of it.

NEWAY, so by now I'm sure you know I have six children. During one class discussion my professor was discussing abortion and having children and how having children was polluting the earth. Because he knew of my family size, he directed a comment to me concerning how badly I was pollutting the earth by having children.

"Oh no!", I said, "I've not had six children, I'm a foster parent, I recycle."

(PS I KNOW I"M SOOOO TOTALLY GOING TO HELL FOR THIS ONE, lol)

His name was Iggy

He joined me on one of my visits to the hospital. I, there to work on defending myself against real life monsters, and him, well, I know someone hurt him, I just don't know exactly how. He was so tiny, even to me, sullen and pale. Dead looking really, especially in his eyes. If not for seeing him draw, you could imagine him dead, for that really was the only thing he did that ever promised there might be something behind those eyes.

Day after day, he sat, drawing, never looking, or speaking to anyone. Not his parents, his therapist, or even me. And day after day, I felt drawn to him. His eyes mirrored my own. Sure, I was better at faking it, but him and I, we were the same.

He shuffled from place to place, careful to never draw attention, to blend into the nothingness that would allow him to pretend. The other patients, well, they fumbled and bumbled around, and I, I sat with him.

I spoke to him, talking to him, pretended he was participating, though he didn't. The other kids, they made fun of us both, but really, I didn't care. Teasing words were nothing compared to daddy's angry hands and eyes that never saw me.

A few days later, we sat, as we had over and over, and I chatted with him about nothing, and he ignored. He was drawing an iguana. I said, "Oh what a pretty iguana" and he raised his head, and looked me right in the eyes, and he said in such a quiet voice "His name is Iggy".

Even I, as an emotionally disturbed "teenrager", understood the magnitude of his utterance. Apparently, so did everyone else, because the desk, or rather, everyone standing behind it, froze.

This child, who for years had not spoken to anyone, felt safe enough to speak to me.

Over the next few days I was brought into therapy sessions, as a translator of sorts, one broken child, reaching out to another. I watched his eyes learn to dance. I watched color return to his face. And I can tell you, there was nothing greater than the moment I heard him speak to his mama.

It has been so very long since my days with my sweet little friend, but many more have followed. Broken children, unreachable, for whatever reason, able to hear me, A gift, a blessing amidst pain. Hope for more, for them, and for me.

Fragments

fragmented words

sewn together with strings of tears

pieces formed in broken promises and nothingness

mistakes and misunderstandings

become the very fabric of her