Real

You would not call a man humane for ceasing to set mousetraps if he did so because he believed there were no mice in the house.~C.S. Lewis

Faith is not believing you are safe from drowning in a mud puddle. ~Me

It is easy to be confident when surrounded by people who believe in you.

It is easy to be brave when you know you are not alone.

It's easy to be funny when you have every reason to laugh.

It is easy to stand strong when the ground beneath you is solid.

Take all of those things away, and where are you?

Where am I really?

Working my way out mostly.

Finding things to rejoice and be confident in, even if it's the way a kitten transforms in my care, or the laughter of my babies.

But more than anything I am understanding for the first time in my life that God loves me, that He is the only one capable of loving me just as I am. He loves me when I fail. He loves me when I am scared, whiney, angry. He loves me when I'm not funny. He loves me when I'm skinny or fat. He loves me when I'm lost. He loves me when I'm found. He loves every tear, and every belt of laughter.

He loves me. And guess what? He loves you too.

Hang on....

Shame is a 4 letter word (Written August 2010)

I copied my online Mommy Hero Christine's title for this one, simply because there is no other title that would fit. Oddly enough, we were both writing about the same subject, negative thought processes, at the same time.

This is hard for me.

While I am generally free with who I am, and what my failures are, I don't generally disclose specific thoughts, especially the ugliest of them.

So be kind. Or at least quiet.

What I whave learned in the past few weeks is that my thoughts are not isolated to me. I am not the only one feeling this way. Many of you have messaged me, sharing similar stories and hurts. I struggled with whether or not to talk about my most private thoughts during this time of vulnerability, but what I realized is that if I speak out, so might you, and neither of us will be bound by shame anymore.

I recently bought my very first for me bible. In it, I found the most relevant for now, and powerful statement...

"The best way to combat temptation is to name Satan's lies, and then hold onto God's truths".

Wow.

So I sat down, and I thought of every negative thing I could think of that runs through my head in those broken moments, and I wrote them down. Over the next few days, whenever any negative thought entered my mind, I wrote it down too.

I have spent the last several days researching those thoughts vs. God's word. What does God say about what I'm thinking? And I've wrote that down too. I'm working diligently to memorize the rebuttals to my "hate thoughts".

Now when my brain says "You are too awful for anyone to love you", I remember God says "because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions" Ephesians 2:4.

I could write and write about the freedom I found in this, but rather, I am going to make a list of sorts, Coping Cards is what Christine calls them...if one fits, take it with you, but make your own.

I am not good enough for God to love me, I make too many mistakes to be a Christian
Mark 2:17 says "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteoous, but sinners to repentance"

I am alone
Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do no be afraid; do not be discouraged"

I am crazy
1 Timothy 2:7 says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of LOVE, POWER, and a SOUND MIND!"

I am bound up by my past
John 8:36 says "If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed"

I am and will always be a failure
1 Corinthians 1:8-9 says "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his son Jesus Christ, our Lord, is faithful"

My life is over. I should end it.
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" and Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD

I can't do this
Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength"

I am fat and ugly
Psalm 139:14 says "I will praise you because I am beautifully and wonderfully made"

God does not care that I am depressed
Psalm 116 says
" 1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave [a] came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

6 The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

10 I believed; therefore [b] I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

11 And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

12 How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

16 O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant [c] ;
you have freed me from my chains

Cutting will make me feel better when I am flipping out
Phillipians 4:6-9 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A small side note here...as many of you know, I have struggled with cutting since I was very young. I have found it a very common act of self harm for those who have suffered sexual abuse. What I did not realize, is that it is even discussed in the bible!!!! And furthermore, that Jesus healed the man who did it, and is therefore able to heal me! And you!!!!

The story of this can be found in In Mark 5, the story of Jesus healing the demon possessed man. I have read it hundreds of times, but it was not until recently, in crying out to God for help, that I noticed Mark 5:5 "Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he could cry out and cut himself with stones"

Wow.

This is not my whole list, geez that would take all day to do, and mommy duty calls, but it is a starting point, and highlights some of the thoughts that some of you, as my friends, have shared with me as well. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Don't spend one more moment hanging your head down in guilt and shame. Remember, "you are beautifully and wonderfully made"

What I've learned today 5-21-2010

My Malamutes have outsmarted me again, working together to loosen the door to their kennel and escape.

My neighbor is not very fond of my pond destroying Mallys.

There is a good way to get hit by a car and Mia lucked out.

A couple weeks of quiet and rest (go ahead and laugh, I did when the vet told me that's what she needed). I asked for Doggie xanex but apparently they don't make them.

Self tanner+tears=a ridiculous facial complexion. Hello Zebradom.

Abby can stop a hundred squirmy first graders when she sings.

Washing oversized comforters in your bathtub is not nearly as fun as I remember it being when I was a kid.

Mandisa has written a very beautiful new song "He is with You"

I have some of the very best flashlight holders in the whole world. You know who you are. Thank you.

My diet coke addiction is stronger than I thought.

Hey look I'm still drinking water...just some soda on the side.

Writing, even if it's about silliness, makes me feel better.

Twenty different ways to get to nine and other ways to avoid homework

So today we have one of the in home therapist here, and they have introduced a sticker chart to help work with one of our little ones.

It isn't our first sticker chart, in fact, I once made myself one and every time I didn't lose my cool over some radical behavior, I gave myself a sticker. Ten stickers, and Mama got an ice cream! Yay!

Never the less, little bit is doing homework, super distracted about her stickers, so the therapist tells her to count how many she has. She hops up and counts them, 11. He then says "now, how many do you need to get your ball?"

20

"Right so how many more do you need?"

She says, "hold on I'll figure it out."

Now after then ten minute hunt for a pen (the pencil she was holding was not math worthy), and then the perfect book and paper to perform the difficult subtraction task, she finally ends up with the therapist pen and my paper, but hey, she is now sitting and working out the problem.

Wait now what was the problem? She forgot.

The therapist tells her it has something to do with her sticker chart.

So she gets up and goes and re counts how many stickers she has.

11!

Eleven what?

"That's how many stickers I have"

Right.

Ok.

Kid starts heading back to kitchen. I am burying my head trying not to giggle out loud.

Therapist says "No, no come back in here, now what was the question?"

Kid "I don't know"

Therapist says "You were trying to figure out how many stickers you needed to get to 20 and earn your ball"

"Right, oh yeah ok I'm gonna figure it out."

Kid sits back down with her supplies, and concentrating quite seriously for several minutes finally announces "31"

"What?" Therapist says.

"20 add 11 is 31."

"You added them, you were supposed to subtract".

"Ok" Kid laughs hysterically, gets up, heads back to the kitchen to finish her homework.

Therapist says "so how many more stickers do you need?"

I know I know, he is quite persistent, I am too tickled to even participate anymore.

I am definitely fired.

So she says "ok I will figure that out".

Comes back, sits down and spends the next several minutes working on it.

Finally announces "9"

"Right! Nine what?" Therapist asks.

"I don't know, 20 take away 11 is 9."

I know, but why were you taking away 11?

I don't know cuz it makes nine?

Therapist exits. Mom retreats to her bathroom to laugh hysterically.

The End

What I've learned this weekend

If scientist find an abandoned cub, they will rub him down with vicks vapo rub and put him in another mother's den while she is sleeping. When she wakes up, all she will smell is the vapo rub, and will lick all the cubs clean, and by the time she is done, they will all smell like her, and she will take them all as her own.

16 oz of spinach, 2 banannas, one apple (not peeled but cored), 2 oz of honey, 8 oz of vanilla yogurt, 16 oz of milk, blended together, make a delicious smoothie, and the kids are oblivious to the healthiness of it! WOOO HOO!

You can add zuccini, squash, carrots, and spinach to regular spaghetti sauce, and your kiddos will not notice!

Those plastic thingamajigs that you wear when it's raining suck.

Walking around the zoo wet is no fun.

Seeing your son smile at the animals makes the lack of fun completely worth it.

Bret Michaels is still recovering but not much better.

Whole wheat spaghetti is a little more dense, but good!

Cockroaches can live for 9 days after their head has been cut off.

The world's largest amphibian is the giant salamander. It can grow up to 5 ft. in length.

The first coast-to-coast telephone line was established in 1914.

I'm bored, see ya later....

What I've learned today 4-16-2009

Now now...what an adventurous week...I've definitely learned more than I ever wanted, but one cannot be choosy when learning...all things, even those which you find most painful...will only help you become the person God wishes you to be.

Lets start with silliness shall we?

A mattress can only handle six months of pee before essentially dissentegrating.

You can buy piss proof cots for your little pisser at on Amazon. Amazon by the way, I must tell you, has been such a godsend to me in the past few months!

My wide eyes kitten is either profoundly retarded or very interested in my bathroom, come pee and see, lol.

Painting a mildewed door takes four days, to do one side.

But wow it looks awesome!

On one side anyway.

Rocky's pizza is full of teeny boppers who are more interested in their multicolored hair than what I want for dinner and I will NEVER EVER EVER GO BACK!

Electrocution feels amazing on broken ankles.

My true friends are far too far away from me.

Being incapicitated by a broken foot will add fifteen pounds to your hiney in less than a month.

My sweetness doesn't care and that makes my heart smile!

Going to Physical therapy with a bunch of 20 year old super thin, super muscular people makes mama very subconscious.

Buc Sports, at East Tennessee State University, did an amazing job of making me not feel so awkward, even when I was trying to turn my foot this particular way which made my bone pop out and say damn in front of old ladies, lol....

ok gosh it wasn't damn...it was worse...

but seriously the pain warrented my yelp....

...'s continue to be my favorite.

My sweet Weezy

Weezy was tiny, he had always been tiny. When he was born, his mama pushed him to the side to die. She ignored him. He got smaller and smaller before I came in. I refused to accept that he was disposable. I wrapped him up in a washcloth, and tucked him into my bra, think what you may, ya'll know I don't have nothing fillin up my bra anyway, hahaha! Never the less, he was tiny and cold, and I carried him around, even to meetings, and no one noticed. He was so small. Every two hours I fed him a dropper full of cat formula. He would hear my footsteps on the stairs and begin crying for me. He knew I would take care of him. By and by, he got bigger, he graduated to regular cat food and the occasional mouse. He was ok.
Today I let him out like any other. He loved to chase my Granny's birds. He never caught any, but he sure tried. He was a cat in a kitten body.
So, I had gone to let Miss Mia Wallce go to school, and came home just in time for lunch. I saw Weezy across the road. I called for him. And here he came, running. But there was a car, driving so fast I can't even tell you what color it was. And my sweet Weezy went flying. I ran to him, I picked him up and the blood poured all over me. I held him so close. I felt his last heartbeats. I stood and stood, and could not move.
My sweet neighbor Walt came to me, he took Weezy from me. He carried him to the backyard and buried him. I only remember crying that because my foot was broke, I could not bury him. It hurts me so much. I have animals coming and going like crazy, that is ok with me. But Weezy, he was different.



The Cat Care Book