What I learned in 2010

This year has been beyond words, or rather full of so much that it will take a book to explain it, and honestly I'm working on it.

My, this journey, painful but beautiful beyond anything I was ever brave enough to dream.

Rather than lay it out, I thought it would be cool to do a "What I've learned this year" instead. I have gone thru my 2010 "What I've learned today" posts from www.beautifullychaotic2009.blogspot.com, picked some of my favorites, and added in a few here and there. They are in no particular order. I'm too overwhelmed (in a good way) to organize right now. Save it for a rainy night.

Before that, I have to say thank you. I should NOT have made it thru this year. I would not be here without some of you, and the God above who sent you to me. Thank you for every kind word (and even the get off your hiney ones), for every reminder of who I could be, for calling me out when I was slipping, for every hug, sermon preached, dinner cooked and phone call. Each of you are truly and example of God's love and grace for me. I can't even type it without tears rolling. My very existence is because of you.

The number one thing I have learned this year is that God loves me.

He is the only one capable of loving me just as I am. He loves me when I fail. He loves me when I am scared, whiney, angry. He loves me when I'm not funny. He loves me when I'm skinny or fat. He loves me when I'm lost. He loves me when I'm found. He loves every tear, and every belt of laughter.

He loves me. And guess what? He loves you too.

He who has begun a good work in me, will carry it on to completion.

Everyone gets lost, at one point or another, in one way or another. No one is exempt. Sometimes, there is great fanfare around the lost, and sometimes, no one notices, but it happens none the less.

You are NEVER too lost to go home, even if home is a little different.

You can feed 5 kiddos, bandage a knee, and detach a turtle from a child's finger in under 10 minutes

Silence is far more accusatory, overwhelmingly more painful, than any word or action could be capable of causing.

God does not care if you leave the state, or even cross the country, He will hunt you down and make sure you are listening to Him.

There is NO ugly view in Colorado Springs.

Fresh air feels amazing in your lungs!

There really is such thing as a "Rocky Mountain High"

When the view is gorgeous, I will willingly walk miles a day with a smile on my face!

Isaiah speaks squirrel, crow, and a little raccoon.

Self tanner+tears=a ridiculous facial complexion. Hello Zebradom.

Abby can stop a hundred squirmy first graders when she sings.

Washing oversized comforters in your bathtub is not nearly as fun as I remember it being when I was a kid.

Mandisa has written a very beautiful new song "He is with You"

I have some of the very best flashlight holders in the whole world. You know who you are. Thank you.

If scientist find an abandoned bear cub, they will rub him down with vicks vapo rub and put him in another mother's den while she is sleeping. When she wakes up, all she will smell is the vapo rub, and will lick all the cubs clean, and by the time she is done, they will all smell like her, and she will take them all as her own.

16 oz of spinach, 2 banannas, one apple (not peeled but cored), 2 oz of honey, 8 oz of vanilla yogurt, 16 oz of milk, blended together, make a delicious smoothie, and the kids are oblivious to the healthiness of it! WOOO HOOO!

Being incapicitated by a broken ankle will add fifteen pounds to your hiney in less than a month.

No matter how many times I put Abby to bed, or what time it is, she will keep getting up.

Guinea pigs have sex within 12 hours of having babies....oh lord women can you imagine?????

If Jayin yells, and I whisper, it gives her a headache.

If she mumbles, and I speak clearly, it gives her a headache.

You cannot win with the mentally ill.

When you are helping someoene else, you are not thinking about how sad you are.

Reaching out keeps you from collapsing in.

When you fall down, especially if there is blood involved, vultures will come, and fast.

It sometimes takes me a minute to figure vultures from friends, but I will.

I am the vulture master.

Beagles are needy little fockers.

Petting stinky, but beautiful malamutes, just makes you smell like a stinky malamute, lol, you don't get the beautiful!

I can find a million explanations other than what the truth actually is

I'm retardedly honest. I talk to much, tell to much, but in general I feel it does two things...one if I know someone knows what I'm struggling with, I think twice before I do it. And two, time and time again, I am contacted by people who struggle with the very same things. God is using my falling, and one day, I'll fly.

I am one resilient little focker!

If you spill a gallon of homemade laundry detergent on your kitchen floor, it will be super shiny and slick.
Wet socks have NO traction.
Laundry detergent, which you do not get to wash off for two hours because of a raging kiddo, itches.
A lot.

A piece of glass can hold it shape and still be ashes, you only have to touch it to find out.

When you are sad digging thru burnt up things you knew your mother loved, a kitten crawling out of nowhere can make you smile.

Kittens rescued from fire are very loving and thankful.

Sometimes you NEED a mouthy friend to speak truth into your life.

The aftermath of a fire is overwhelming, even if it wasn't yours.

You go can from noticing that your guinea pig is pregnant, to having three guinea pig babies, in less than 12 hours.

Livy figured out hiding icing in the cat food bag was a great idea.

You can go to bed and wake up and your world be drastically different.

You can drive uphill for 15 hours straight. BOTH WAYS!

Well placed dish detergent in the dishwasher will make lots of bubbles.

A bubbly floor is one shiny floor!

We all need to be more honest and open with each other. I am becoming increasingly aware that "discretion" and "private matters" are the number one weapon of the enemy to God and His people. We think that by putting on face we set a good example. That does two things, it makes God and everybody look horrible when people see thru our facade, and it leaves people feeling like they are alone in their brokenness and I think that is even worse.

You cannot see the stars without a little darkness, and sometimes a lot of darkness, but keep looking up.

NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP. Sit down, lay down even, but you get back up and you keep moving forward!!!!!

Miracles exist, not so much in healing and restoration, as in the strength, mercy, and grace God provides as you navigate the situations you face.

There was a child went forth

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object she look'd upon, that object she became;
And that object became part of her for the day, or a certain part of the day, or for many years, or stretching many years

The smell of pancakes, that spelled her name, freeze dried milk, and sunshine
Fall leaves piled high, siblings running rampant, and soft fall breezes
Discarded school books and stacks of paper, pens and pencils, and broken crayons, they became part of her.

Sadness and alone, swinging arms and uncertainty, became part of her.
Coldness and oatmeal and oatmeal and oatmeal.
Missing mama and home and normal
Tall oak trees with branches big enough to hide her, formed her early life

Suicide and murder, abuse and neglect
life's very ugliest, tried hard to come inside
to form who it is she was
but there was too much goodness, and they,
they did not become part of her

Fast thrown balls, high school jerseys, friends in abundance
Recipes and cooking, her passion
Necessity induced creativity
Struggles brought tenacity

Brown eyed brown skinned babies,
Two beautiful gifts, never planned but always wanted
the sweet sound of heaven in human form, became her
skin to skin love shared with someone so small who meant so big
late nights, breastfeeding, crying, baby lotion, and unfathomable love

Strong will and faith, Jesus and the hope He alone can bring
A return to school, endless struggles
make her stronger
babies and books, past haunts and todays troubles
and yet she smiles

fragmented words
sewn together with strings of tears
pieces formed in broken promises and nothingness
mistakes and misunderstandings
become the very fabric of her

But of those things, she made a lovely quilt
made with all the pieces of yesterday
and hopes for tomorrow
These became part of that child who went forth everyday,
and who now goes,
and who will always go forth every day

Flashlight Holders

What is a flashlight holder you might ask?

In this most difficult time in my life, when all seemed dark, and scary, and overwhelming, when I could not see God, He sent people with flashlights to help me find my way home.

He knew I had been in the dark so long that the sunshine would only scare me away.

He knew that I was so lost that I had given up.

He knew there would be no magical transformation, that the road would be long and painful.

He knew I would trip and stumble.

And I have.

But over and over again, there each of you have been, arms extended, flashlights in hand.

In your kindness, I, for the first time in my life, have been able to see God's love for me.

I have been overwhelmed at the grace you have shown me.

From a delicious meal, a hand to hold, late night phone calls when I have been afraid, to refusing to let me sit still for too long and constant reminders that I am not my circumstance, You have each been a living breathing example of God's love for me.

I have tried and tried to write this so many times, and I know I'm not doing it justice. It is really too much for words.

I love you.

I would not be here without you, really.

The Disappearing, Reappearing Check

The past few days have been rather, well, stressful. I have struggled a great deal, mostly on my own, and generally within my own mind.
Monsters have seemed bigger than usual.
My hopes and dreams seemed farther away.
My energy level for chasing said dreams was drained.

And then today happened.

A few weeks ago our house was damaged in a storm and today I got a check from the insurance company in the mail. I signed it, and since I didn't have any deposit slips was smart enough to write all my bank info on it as well, and pulled into the Regions Bank Drive Thru.

I rolled down my window, and well, ya'll know how windy it's been?

My check went flying out the window!!!!!!

I pulled over and looked and looked for it.

I cried.

I was so flustered!

So I called the insurance company and cancelled the check and headed home feeling rather retarded.

And then I got a phone call, from someone named Junior, and he had found my check at Krogers (how it got there???? We shall NEVER know)

He had called our insurance company and they gave him my number.

He gave me his address and I headed on over, in complete disbelief.

He had every piece of info on that check to be me or my husband and have himself a couple thousand dollars.

Never the less, so as I get there he comes out, hands me the check, I thank him profusely and start to walk away.

He says "Mam, if you don't mind, I don't believe anything happens without a reason, and I think God has something He wants me to tell you".

Hmmmm...random guy with a message from God, makes me nervous, but I've seen stranger, and the way my life has gone lately, I stop and listen.

He says "Mam I know this is random, but God wants you to know that anything that is lost can be found, and that even when you have given up hope and cancelled your plans, He has not given up His plans for you, so you keep your faith, and don't let anyone convince you He is not able."

I am standing with with random guy, tears streaming, amazed at the timeliness of his message.

I am so undeserving. I fail Him every single day, but He sees my heart, and He knows I'm trying. He won't let me give up. He won't let me hear those doubting His promise to me.

I love Him.

How Long?

How long do I lay here?
When is it ok to stand?
Could someone please show me the rules?
I don't know them
I only know I can't take one more moment in this place

How long do I cry here?
When is it ok to smile again?
Could someone please show me the rules?
I don't now them
I only know the salty tears have burned lines in my skin.

If You Are A Mama of Many

If you are the Hacker Tribe Mommy

~There is no such thing as boring
~You can feed 5 kiddos, bandage a knee, and detach a turtle from a child's finger in under 10 minutes
~You have five little people who think you are superhuman and you try your best to be
~You say things like "who is licking Isaiah", "No you can't have marshmallows for breakfast", "Why did you think you could make your room a swimming pool", and "please stop barking, you are annoying the dog"
~You know what loving and sweet really is
~You praise your child because they get a duck tomorrow and have no idea what that means while secretly praying it isn't a real duck.
~You find an oddly placed spoon or fork somewhere atleast once a day though the oddest place was on top of a hanging picture frame
~There is always, always a reason to smile
~You tell Abby go to bed at least fifty times a night, and she never stays there.
~You wash 3 loads of laundry a day and are never done.
~Hugs are never on short supply
~Your expectations flex in five different ways all day long because you love them just as they are
~Overstimulated is at times an understatement
~It's only $8, actually means $40.
~Ramon noodles are your best friend
~You have Hanna Montana episodes memorized
~You are reminded of God's grace all day long
~You have a house full of broken, odd, misunderstood and misplaced creatures and humans because your babies have seen your compassion and live it out
~Whenever you are feeling low, you can look at their beauty and know you can't be all bad because you helped to make someone so amazing.

When she is quiet

When she is quiet
she is oh so loud inside.
When she is smiling,
tears soak her pillows.
When she is surrounded by people,
she feels more alone than ever.
And when she has had enough,
of never being enough,
she decides she isn't going to play anymore.
She is going to live,
And laugh,
And love,
without you
Cause while she was quiet
She heard you.
And while she was crying
She saw you
And while you stood close
She figured you out

I'm much too tired to climb a mountain

For those who don't know, the summit of Pikes Peak is at ‎14000 ft elevation. I think Johnson City is around 1600. Major difference! It takes a couple of hours to drive up and back down, mostly because you have to drive so very slow, most times in 1st or 2nd gear. There are stations all along the road to cool off your car, and check your brakes, because brake failure, and overheating are so common. The change in elevation can cause altitude sickness, headache, nausea, dizziness. There are many cars, and many people who simply cannot do it.

Ah but you know, we did it anyway, even fraidy cat me who used to get nauseated looking out the top floor window of Roger Stout when I was a student at ETSU.

There were tight windy curves without guardrails, signs everywhere warning of brake failure, altitude sickness, and not feeding the creatures. In our car there were tired kids, carsick kids, and a very sick Rachel.

BUT, none of those things mattered when we got to the top and stood together the middle of a cloud.

It was such a life lesson to me. We asked them to go, made them go, even though they couldn't fathom the beauty of what was waiting at the top. We talked thru endless questions, nausea complaints, and tears. Over and over again we said things like "I know baby but look over there, see how beautiful it is, just wait till we get to the top!"

As I am navigating the current circumstances in my life, I am afraid. I am overwhelmed. I am not strong, or confident, or brave. I want to freeze in my tracks. I want to read every caution sign and make sure everyone knows how dangerous it is. I see guardrails with skid marks from out of control cars, and I panic that the next one might be me. I, most times, can only see a moment in front of me, yet God keeps urging me forward. "I know it looks scary baby, but just wait, the beauty that's coming is beyond your dreams" I have a plan.

Sometimes we are faced with situations in our life that are scary, uncertain. Sometimes we chose them, sometimes we are chosen for them. We may look around and see warnings and caution, and others who were unable to make it. What I realize now, is that if you will only press forward, have a little faith, beautiful things await you at the top!

And so, I keep moving forward. Uncertain. Unsure. At times even unraveled.

I move forward because He has asked me to, because He can see the top, because He has a plan.

Turning around

If you know me, you know I will get lost driving to the grocery store if I don't take the same way every time. I can't even get around Bristol even though I lived there most of my childhood.
The subject of my brain today is getting lost.
Everyone gets lost, at one point or another, in one way or another. No one is exempt. Sometimes, there is great fanfare around the lost, and sometimes, no one notices, but it happens none the less.
When I get lost, when I realize I'm lost, or someone points out to me I'm lost, it would be incredibly ignorant to say "well I made the choice to go this way so I'm just gonna keep going" or "well I was so stupid to make that turn, I deserve to end up wherever". What I've done, what each of you have done, at one point or another, is turn around.
Even if you have reached the wrong destination, even if you've pulled up a chair and stayed awhile, there is absolutely NOTHING stopping you from turning around and heading back to where you should be.
Pride, embarrassment, stubbornness, they each push you to keep going in the wrong direction. I know because I've done it. There have been times I have ended up fifty miles in the middle of nowhere because I didn't want to admit I'd made a wrong turn or that someone else was right.
Turning around is ok. Even if people keep talking about seeing you lost somewhere, even if you remember how scared you where when you realized you were all alone in the middle of nowhere, even if you have to have people walk you back home because you are so weary.
Turn around. Go home. If you are too tired or afraid to move one way or another, ask for help. You will be very surprised at how many people have gotten lost down that very same road.

Go and sin no more..."hey did you see what she did?"

I watched the movie, "The stoning of Soraya M" this past week. It was very brutal, and I don't at all recommend for the faint. But that, and lots of personal circumstances, have had me thinking about the concept of "Go and Sin no more"

I love the concept of forgiveness and of grace. I am grateful for it. Heaven's knows I'd have been lost a long time ago otherwise. I am a faller, definitely NOT a flyer.

But then humans get involved, and shew it makes it so complicated and difficult.

You sin, and most often it hurts, it affects, other people.

You ask for forgiveness and receive God's forgiveness. They are still damaged.

You move forward, trying to improve. They have to work out the situation on their own.

On top of that you have the bystanders. They all have their opinions and most have forgotten how many times they have needed the same grace and forgiveness. "Well we just want you to be happy", "oh my do you know what such and such did?", "I'd never put up with that".

So you end up in this very painful and scary place.

Forgiven and not. Free and bound. Moving forward, and the past in your face every day.

At this point, you have two decisions. You can continue to feel guilty. You can continue to let people remind you of what an awful person you are. You can listen to all the voices who tell you it's hopeless, and get stuck and a cycle of self destruction...or, you can move forward.

You can go and sin no more...You can ask for forgiveness from those you have hurt, you can do your best to mend the situation, you can allow your potential, not your past, to define you.

I can tell you from personal experience, if you let your past haunt and define you, it will keep repeating itself. I've spent four years on that that cycle, and I can tell you it only gets more ugly. You have to let it go, even if no one else does.

You can't change the things you have done, but you can change where you are going. Your only hope is in moving forward, in truly going and sinning no more...get started!

If you are Isaiah

If you are Isaiah...
Your parents gave you a ridiculously long name
having no idea
you would have plenty personality to fill it

If you are Isaiah...
It is not a stick
It is a piece to the latest wolf trap
or ant home
or plane

If you are Isaiah...
you keep the beat
of whatever room you're in
just like your Daddy

If you are Isaiah...
you bounce from one thing to another
and drive your auntie's crazy
and love every second of it.

If you are Isaiah...
your room is always clean
your clothes are always folded
and your shoes are always missing

If you are Isaiah...
You hug your mom fifty times a day
and tell her she's beautiful
and that you like her meatloaf when you know you're in trouble

If you are Abby

If you are Abby...
you are passionate about everything
from animals
to people without
to the earth
and the God who made it all.

If you are Abby...
you are told fifty times a day how pretty you are
but you never get it
to you, everything in this "magical mystical world" is beautiful

If you are Abby...
you have your Daddy's music
and your Momma's heart
and lots of fun sharing insomnia with her.


If you are Abby...
you sing
from morning until night, and even sometimes in your sleep
and you choreograph your day, and everyone else's
because you know, you know best ;0)

If you are Olivia

If you are Olivia...
You are very very quiet
sometimes so quiet we forget you are there
but when you speak up
you make your Mommy very proud.

If you are Olivia...
every animal is your friend
You work hard to keep them safe,
and drive your parents crazy doing so

If you are Olivia...
you have eyes as blue as the cloudless sky
and hair that is always messy.
You move slow,
and run very fast.

If you are Olivia...
You are Mommy's cheerleader
and wanna be enforcer
and take people's breath away at how brave you are.

Be Still

So I have made some poor decisions. I have hurt people I care about badly. I got into a cycle of guilt and sabatage.
If you read the "can't you see" blog, you know that two sundays at New Life church in Colorado Springs, I asked for, and recieved God's forgiveness. The burden of sin has truly been lifted. That is great, and wonderful, but it does not change my circumstance. It does not change or heal the wounds I have caused. That is the hard part.
If you know me at all, you know I am a fixer. I am a people pleasing addict. I hate hate hate to see anyone hurting, which is further exacerbated by knowing it was me who caused the wounds.
I have been spinning in circles, making things only worse.
On my drive home from Colorado I heard sermon after sermon on Being Still and Knowing. I have ping ponged back and forth between "Ok God you can have it, please help me fix my mess, please heal the wounds I have caused" to panicked scrambling to try and fix things on my own. I am exhausted an no better off than when I started.
Tonight I had another "woooooo hooooo hey remember what I said!" moment.
I saw Psalm 46:1-3, 10 on something I was reading, and decided to look it up. While the scripture was relevant, it was a side note that spoke the most to me, it was that that I desperately needed to hear.
"Things in life often fall apart all at once. Name your crisis du jour. You have a bitter fight with your husband or boyfriend-and it seems as if a piece of your secure world falls at your feet. Layoffs threaten your job-another chunk drops. Your single mom breaks her hip-yet another piece falls. When life is crashing down around you, do you work even harder to hold it together? Try a different approach: BE STILL. Find comfort and stregnth in God, and stop trying so hard to fix everything. No matter how many pieces fall, you will have God's inner peace.

If you are Rachel

If you are Rachel
You are stuck between girl and woman
You prefer tshirts and shorts
to dresses and makeup
but only sometimes
You are moody like your mama
And musical like your dad
You like watching scary movies with your mom
and cooking just about anything
You put on a show wherever you go
You help your mom, and grandmother, and great grandmother
and well, anyone else who needs helping
You have a servants heart
A musicians unrest
and the ability to do more than you will ever dream....

Clipped Wings

You clipped her wings
then tossed aside
hating her because she couldnt fly
You mocked her tries
She fell face first
"I told you so"
is what she heard
You will never fly
She made you dirty
You made her useless
She broke your heart
You stole her mind
Only for a time
For He is there,
He made those wings
Someday she'll fly
Someday she'll be clean
He doesnt care that She cant fly
Her wings grow strong
As He carries her along
Far from way back then
And when she's healed
He'll raise her up
And she will fly again

Darkness and Light

Sometimes while walking through the forest, the darkness encroaches so slowly that you don't notice that it's there. Your eyes adjust to the lack of sunlight, you move forward, unaware. You never stumble or falter or realize that there is anything at all wrong with your travels.

And by and by the sun begins to rise, a sun you never noticed was missing. A flicker of light makes it's way between the trees, shining onto your pale and sullen face.

At first, you close your eyes, the light being too much to handle. You turn around and try to move away from it. It becomes hard to see. Your focus is lost. You are scared but drawn. You can't move or breathe or feel.

And the light gets brighter. . .

Your eyes begin to adjust to the way things should be. You remember what it was once like to see the details in the world around you. A familiar joy rises up within in you, beckoning your forward. You move faster and step closer anxious to continue to allow your world to brighten. You are chasing the sun, terrified of losing it again, of getting lost in the darkness, unaware.

God and Music

So in my severe lack of sleeping lately I've been doing lots of thinking.

As many of you know, I have many friends who are not Christians. There are several things that the "nonbelievers" pass onto me, that keep me up late at night. I've been struggling to find an appropriate way to share it. Appropriate, in this case, of course, being that I'd have liked to found a way to share my heart without hurting feelings or stepping on toes. I'll apologize in advance.

First of all, I must say I'm incredibly frustrated at times by the "they did _______and they claim to be a Christian" , said by both Christians and non Christians. What kind of thing to say is that? It says "If you are a Christian you would never do _______, so they must not really be one."

Now seriously people. You know, things like that are the very reason that "nonbelievers" think we are full of crap. They see our mistakes. WE MAKE MISTAKES. They are not stupid. To pretend that you are above reproach is ridiculous. If not for the grace of God, you would easily be, and may someday be, where the person you are so quick to judge is standing.

I will put myself in this catagory. I am extremely opinionated and prideful. I am ashamed of myself. I am sure if you've talked to me you have heard me make this most damaging mistake. I tell you this because I don't want you to think I'm up on a mountain yelling at you, I'm right here in the vally. We all are. I fully realize nothing will be different in my life if I don't atleast acknowledge it.

Onto another and much more frustrating subject. . .

First, you must know a couple of simple things about me. I like rap and rock music. I do not care for, in the least, Opera. I go to many concerts, and shows, and have watched even the most talented musician hit a bad note, or choose to watch a television screen in the middle of his set instead of play correctly.

That being said. . . Just because I do not care for Opera does not mean that I never listen to any music for fear I might hear something Operatic come out.

Furthermore, just because a musician hits a bad note, does not mean I discount the importance of their music. It also does not mean that I refuse to listen to it anymore.

Many of my friends have been hurt by Christians. Note, I didn't say "people claiming to be Christians". Because of that, they have chosen to discount, walk away from, hate, the whole concept of God or Christianity.

To those, I must say I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for the judgments that have been passed to you. I am sorry for the lies that have been told. I grieve over the manipulation that has left some of you so broken I fear you will never be able to see past it into God's love for you. I feel entirely helpless.

I wish that each of us could be Mozart. I wish that I could say that becoming a Christian meant you would never do anything, or experience anything hurtful, but it doesn't. Going along with my music theme, it's about the music, not the mistakes made while playing. It's also about God, not the mistakes His people make trying to play His song. All the things that go on at the hands of those of us who are terribly inadequate are not the bottom line. He is.

Real

You would not call a man humane for ceasing to set mousetraps if he did so because he believed there were no mice in the house.~C.S. Lewis

Faith is not believing you are safe from drowning in a mud puddle. ~Me

It is easy to be confident when surrounded by people who believe in you.

It is easy to be brave when you know you are not alone.

It's easy to be funny when you have every reason to laugh.

It is easy to stand strong when the ground beneath you is solid.

Take all of those things away, and where are you?

Where am I really?

Working my way out mostly.

Finding things to rejoice and be confident in, even if it's the way a kitten transforms in my care, or the laughter of my babies.

But more than anything I am understanding for the first time in my life that God loves me, that He is the only one capable of loving me just as I am. He loves me when I fail. He loves me when I am scared, whiney, angry. He loves me when I'm not funny. He loves me when I'm skinny or fat. He loves me when I'm lost. He loves me when I'm found. He loves every tear, and every belt of laughter.

He loves me. And guess what? He loves you too.

Hang on....

Shame is a 4 letter word (Written August 2010)

I copied my online Mommy Hero Christine's title for this one, simply because there is no other title that would fit. Oddly enough, we were both writing about the same subject, negative thought processes, at the same time.

This is hard for me.

While I am generally free with who I am, and what my failures are, I don't generally disclose specific thoughts, especially the ugliest of them.

So be kind. Or at least quiet.

What I whave learned in the past few weeks is that my thoughts are not isolated to me. I am not the only one feeling this way. Many of you have messaged me, sharing similar stories and hurts. I struggled with whether or not to talk about my most private thoughts during this time of vulnerability, but what I realized is that if I speak out, so might you, and neither of us will be bound by shame anymore.

I recently bought my very first for me bible. In it, I found the most relevant for now, and powerful statement...

"The best way to combat temptation is to name Satan's lies, and then hold onto God's truths".

Wow.

So I sat down, and I thought of every negative thing I could think of that runs through my head in those broken moments, and I wrote them down. Over the next few days, whenever any negative thought entered my mind, I wrote it down too.

I have spent the last several days researching those thoughts vs. God's word. What does God say about what I'm thinking? And I've wrote that down too. I'm working diligently to memorize the rebuttals to my "hate thoughts".

Now when my brain says "You are too awful for anyone to love you", I remember God says "because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions" Ephesians 2:4.

I could write and write about the freedom I found in this, but rather, I am going to make a list of sorts, Coping Cards is what Christine calls them...if one fits, take it with you, but make your own.

I am not good enough for God to love me, I make too many mistakes to be a Christian
Mark 2:17 says "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteoous, but sinners to repentance"

I am alone
Deuteronomy 31:8 says "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do no be afraid; do not be discouraged"

I am crazy
1 Timothy 2:7 says "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of LOVE, POWER, and a SOUND MIND!"

I am bound up by my past
John 8:36 says "If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed"

I am and will always be a failure
1 Corinthians 1:8-9 says "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his son Jesus Christ, our Lord, is faithful"

My life is over. I should end it.
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 says "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" and Jeremiah 29:11-14 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD

I can't do this
Philippians 4:13 says "I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength"

I am fat and ugly
Psalm 139:14 says "I will praise you because I am beautifully and wonderfully made"

God does not care that I am depressed
Psalm 116 says
" 1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave [a] came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

4 Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

6 The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,

9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

10 I believed; therefore [b] I said,
"I am greatly afflicted."

11 And in my dismay I said,
"All men are liars."

12 How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.

14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his saints.

16 O LORD, truly I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maidservant [c] ;
you have freed me from my chains

Cutting will make me feel better when I am flipping out
Phillipians 4:6-9 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A small side note here...as many of you know, I have struggled with cutting since I was very young. I have found it a very common act of self harm for those who have suffered sexual abuse. What I did not realize, is that it is even discussed in the bible!!!! And furthermore, that Jesus healed the man who did it, and is therefore able to heal me! And you!!!!

The story of this can be found in In Mark 5, the story of Jesus healing the demon possessed man. I have read it hundreds of times, but it was not until recently, in crying out to God for help, that I noticed Mark 5:5 "Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he could cry out and cut himself with stones"

Wow.

This is not my whole list, geez that would take all day to do, and mommy duty calls, but it is a starting point, and highlights some of the thoughts that some of you, as my friends, have shared with me as well. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Don't spend one more moment hanging your head down in guilt and shame. Remember, "you are beautifully and wonderfully made"

What I've learned today 5-21-2010

My Malamutes have outsmarted me again, working together to loosen the door to their kennel and escape.

My neighbor is not very fond of my pond destroying Mallys.

There is a good way to get hit by a car and Mia lucked out.

A couple weeks of quiet and rest (go ahead and laugh, I did when the vet told me that's what she needed). I asked for Doggie xanex but apparently they don't make them.

Self tanner+tears=a ridiculous facial complexion. Hello Zebradom.

Abby can stop a hundred squirmy first graders when she sings.

Washing oversized comforters in your bathtub is not nearly as fun as I remember it being when I was a kid.

Mandisa has written a very beautiful new song "He is with You"

I have some of the very best flashlight holders in the whole world. You know who you are. Thank you.

My diet coke addiction is stronger than I thought.

Hey look I'm still drinking water...just some soda on the side.

Writing, even if it's about silliness, makes me feel better.

Twenty different ways to get to nine and other ways to avoid homework

So today we have one of the in home therapist here, and they have introduced a sticker chart to help work with one of our little ones.

It isn't our first sticker chart, in fact, I once made myself one and every time I didn't lose my cool over some radical behavior, I gave myself a sticker. Ten stickers, and Mama got an ice cream! Yay!

Never the less, little bit is doing homework, super distracted about her stickers, so the therapist tells her to count how many she has. She hops up and counts them, 11. He then says "now, how many do you need to get your ball?"

20

"Right so how many more do you need?"

She says, "hold on I'll figure it out."

Now after then ten minute hunt for a pen (the pencil she was holding was not math worthy), and then the perfect book and paper to perform the difficult subtraction task, she finally ends up with the therapist pen and my paper, but hey, she is now sitting and working out the problem.

Wait now what was the problem? She forgot.

The therapist tells her it has something to do with her sticker chart.

So she gets up and goes and re counts how many stickers she has.

11!

Eleven what?

"That's how many stickers I have"

Right.

Ok.

Kid starts heading back to kitchen. I am burying my head trying not to giggle out loud.

Therapist says "No, no come back in here, now what was the question?"

Kid "I don't know"

Therapist says "You were trying to figure out how many stickers you needed to get to 20 and earn your ball"

"Right, oh yeah ok I'm gonna figure it out."

Kid sits back down with her supplies, and concentrating quite seriously for several minutes finally announces "31"

"What?" Therapist says.

"20 add 11 is 31."

"You added them, you were supposed to subtract".

"Ok" Kid laughs hysterically, gets up, heads back to the kitchen to finish her homework.

Therapist says "so how many more stickers do you need?"

I know I know, he is quite persistent, I am too tickled to even participate anymore.

I am definitely fired.

So she says "ok I will figure that out".

Comes back, sits down and spends the next several minutes working on it.

Finally announces "9"

"Right! Nine what?" Therapist asks.

"I don't know, 20 take away 11 is 9."

I know, but why were you taking away 11?

I don't know cuz it makes nine?

Therapist exits. Mom retreats to her bathroom to laugh hysterically.

The End

What I've learned this weekend

If scientist find an abandoned cub, they will rub him down with vicks vapo rub and put him in another mother's den while she is sleeping. When she wakes up, all she will smell is the vapo rub, and will lick all the cubs clean, and by the time she is done, they will all smell like her, and she will take them all as her own.

16 oz of spinach, 2 banannas, one apple (not peeled but cored), 2 oz of honey, 8 oz of vanilla yogurt, 16 oz of milk, blended together, make a delicious smoothie, and the kids are oblivious to the healthiness of it! WOOO HOO!

You can add zuccini, squash, carrots, and spinach to regular spaghetti sauce, and your kiddos will not notice!

Those plastic thingamajigs that you wear when it's raining suck.

Walking around the zoo wet is no fun.

Seeing your son smile at the animals makes the lack of fun completely worth it.

Bret Michaels is still recovering but not much better.

Whole wheat spaghetti is a little more dense, but good!

Cockroaches can live for 9 days after their head has been cut off.

The world's largest amphibian is the giant salamander. It can grow up to 5 ft. in length.

The first coast-to-coast telephone line was established in 1914.

I'm bored, see ya later....

What I've learned today 4-16-2009

Now now...what an adventurous week...I've definitely learned more than I ever wanted, but one cannot be choosy when learning...all things, even those which you find most painful...will only help you become the person God wishes you to be.

Lets start with silliness shall we?

A mattress can only handle six months of pee before essentially dissentegrating.

You can buy piss proof cots for your little pisser at on Amazon. Amazon by the way, I must tell you, has been such a godsend to me in the past few months!

My wide eyes kitten is either profoundly retarded or very interested in my bathroom, come pee and see, lol.

Painting a mildewed door takes four days, to do one side.

But wow it looks awesome!

On one side anyway.

Rocky's pizza is full of teeny boppers who are more interested in their multicolored hair than what I want for dinner and I will NEVER EVER EVER GO BACK!

Electrocution feels amazing on broken ankles.

My true friends are far too far away from me.

Being incapicitated by a broken foot will add fifteen pounds to your hiney in less than a month.

My sweetness doesn't care and that makes my heart smile!

Going to Physical therapy with a bunch of 20 year old super thin, super muscular people makes mama very subconscious.

Buc Sports, at East Tennessee State University, did an amazing job of making me not feel so awkward, even when I was trying to turn my foot this particular way which made my bone pop out and say damn in front of old ladies, lol....

ok gosh it wasn't damn...it was worse...

but seriously the pain warrented my yelp....

...'s continue to be my favorite.

My sweet Weezy

Weezy was tiny, he had always been tiny. When he was born, his mama pushed him to the side to die. She ignored him. He got smaller and smaller before I came in. I refused to accept that he was disposable. I wrapped him up in a washcloth, and tucked him into my bra, think what you may, ya'll know I don't have nothing fillin up my bra anyway, hahaha! Never the less, he was tiny and cold, and I carried him around, even to meetings, and no one noticed. He was so small. Every two hours I fed him a dropper full of cat formula. He would hear my footsteps on the stairs and begin crying for me. He knew I would take care of him. By and by, he got bigger, he graduated to regular cat food and the occasional mouse. He was ok.
Today I let him out like any other. He loved to chase my Granny's birds. He never caught any, but he sure tried. He was a cat in a kitten body.
So, I had gone to let Miss Mia Wallce go to school, and came home just in time for lunch. I saw Weezy across the road. I called for him. And here he came, running. But there was a car, driving so fast I can't even tell you what color it was. And my sweet Weezy went flying. I ran to him, I picked him up and the blood poured all over me. I held him so close. I felt his last heartbeats. I stood and stood, and could not move.
My sweet neighbor Walt came to me, he took Weezy from me. He carried him to the backyard and buried him. I only remember crying that because my foot was broke, I could not bury him. It hurts me so much. I have animals coming and going like crazy, that is ok with me. But Weezy, he was different.



The Cat Care Book

What I learned today March 21, 2010

I suck at using crutches.

I am most likely gonna break my other foot by trying to use them.

Ya'll know I'm accident queen.

You will get the most out of a service at Church that was the most difficult to get to, seriously ladies and gentlefish, we showed up at Northridge Community Church this morning with kids dressed all crazy, my strugglin on crutches, and late, but we made it, and the service was awesome, oh and I got to sit by my sweetheart friend Faith!


I am back on a no meat kick, I did not notice this until I ordered a steak tips dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

My kids love steak tips!

The balloon guy won't make Ariel because he has to make boobs.

My neice Amelia is the most beautiful little baby girl I have ever seen!

She is a slow poke eater like Abby.

I can talk If you are Jacana... out of most rages with being more nonsensical than her.

Crutches on a slippery floor, equal a busted hiney.

I need help asking for help.

Can you distract me from my plastic fantasy?

I didn't think so, but hey, thanks for trying.

Choosing pain. Choosing technical failure. By all standards, with my daughters, when compared to normal children their age, I have failed.

A ten year old, in second grade, who is refusing to work. A ten year old, who the professionals have given up on.

An eleven year old, in fifth grade, who rages and hallucinates, who does her work when she feels like it, and pees on things when she is angry.

They are not typical smily faced kiddos. Hell, they aren't even "having a real bad day" kiddos. But they are mine, and I love them.

I love them, pee covered, raging, cookie hoarding and all.

People who do not know us, see right now. They don't know that while Olivia is refusing to spell, only a short time ago, she did not speak.

They see Jaylin raging for six hours, and they don't know about the 12 hour rage days.

They see Olivia refuse to acknowledge them, they don't know about how when Olivia came, she pretended none of us existed.

They see Jaylin not do her homework and they think I'm a bad mommy. They don't know that I spend hours just trying to get her thru the day. And yes, homework is at the bottom of my list...it is superceeded by living, breathing, laughing....

It is not pretty. Is not techinal success, but it our success...

What I learned today 03/02/2010

If you boil a dark liquid for an hour on your stove, and do not possess a stove hood, your will have a BROWN steam filled kitchen, which will cover your walls, dishes, floors, appliances, and cute little decorations.

Palmolive will clean said brown sludge up easily, but it takes about two hours to fix one hours damage.

Guinea pigs will fight over tomatoes.

No matter how many times I put Abby to bed, or what time it is, she will keep getting up.

Homeschooling programs are ridiculously expensive.

Turkey burgers made right are just as good as regular burgers and better for you!

What I've learned today....

Hersheys chocolate has no milk or dairy products in it.

Neither do Marshmallows, how crazy is that?

When you are helping someoene else, you are not thinking about how sad you are.

Reaching out keeps you from collapsing in.

Beagles are needy little fockers.

Rufus gets oh so sad when the bus comes and the kids leave. He howls, and howls, and howls.

Brad's friend Pat, says he will never stop that.

UGH.

He is so flippin loud. Shew, and once he gets upset, he is upset for a LONG time. There is no picking him up and calming him down! He needs doggie xanex.

The bread on Talia's page, is delicious.

Ozzy only believes in the Jesus with long hair and a beard.

Concrete thinker girl is totally distressed because someone told her about the holy ghost and the only ghosts in her world are bad.

But she gets upset about a million other things so I am not stressin.

If I cut my hair, she does not know me, a toddler in a 11 year old body. It is NOT NOT NOT Fun.

Now imagine bathing an 11 year old. And feeding her. And dressing her. It sucks.

My nephew Micah adores me. I can talk him down out of any situation.

Someone I care about has a child who is very sick. Please pray for them. I am not at liberty to share info with you right now.

If your child refuses to do her work, for long enough, they will try to send her to the retard class. Ok ok ok, I know that is not the pc description, but have I ever lived in a pc world? NO!

So I guess I am going to have to homeschool her. And I am terrified.

Pee and bleach will make you choke.

Oh cuz that's bleach and ammonia.

The common mistake made riding mental illness roller coasters, and why I don't do it anymore...

When parenting the chronically mentally ill, one is, in many ways, a passenger on a roller coaster. It's full of highs and lows, twists and turns, scary, and fun moments. It is frightening and exiherating depending on where you are at any given time. Over and over again, you hop on, for one reason or another, and each time, you go up, down, and sideways.
One of the mistakes I used to make, was to get caught up in the twist of the time. I would get so excited about the travel upward, that I forgot in only moments I would be dropping sharply down. In the same token, I would become so afraid on the drop, forgot the rise was coming, and keep my eyes closed, missing the joy of moving upward.
The problem with that riding that way, is that the fluctions will drive you nuts. If you go moment to moment and forget about the past cycles of the ride, it will always own you. It will control you and your emotions. Life will pass you by while you are busy riding.
But alas my sweet parent friends, if you take notice of each twist and turn, and keep track of them, you are ready. If you look at each change as a part of the ride, you can make the ride yours. You can sail down frightening hills knowing the in moments you will be wisked upward. You can twist upside down and know your feet will soon hit the ground. You are prepared.
Don't get lost in the moments. Learn them.

She had to see her mom...

Since I'm apparently in the mood to share all my fumbling and bumblings, I wanted to tell ya this one too!

A few years ago my children and I attended a foster parent pool party with eighty or so foster children. We work for a level 2 and 3 agency so the children they deal with have experienced major trauma and have a plethora of major issues.

The children and I arrived and I was shocked at how quickly Rachel, my biological child, resorted to acting like a crazy person. Oh my goodness, she starts throwing herself on the ground in front of everyone. People are staring, hell, the other kids are even staring. And here I sit, with my two-parent-middle- class-superdeedooper-loving-family child, totally outshining every other emotionally disturbed child in the area.

A woman who I do not know or care to know at this point approaches me. She looks at me with the most understanding eyes "gosh, it really is so hard on them", she says.

I stand there a minute, thinking, or rather not, as I reply "gosh I know, she had to see her mom today".....

take a minute and let that one sink in.....

Leaf Blowers

Tyler Perry, my most favorite playwright, gave the most eloquent speech when I went to see Madea Goes to Jail a couple of years ago in Atlanta. As I am re-doing much of my life, getting back to me, I have been reminded of this most important lesson.

This is a terrible Jessi rendition of his speech on Trees. Pardon my lacking, but I believe you can find it on you tube if you look.

I compare the people in my life to parts of a tree. Most of the people in my life, in the world are like leaves. The wind blows they are over here, it blows again, they are over there, they are unstable. They are there to take from the tree and provide a little shade sometimes. They disappear with the changing of the seasons.

Don't get mad at the leaves, it's who they are. So much heartache is caused by people trying to make leaves permanent. So much time is spent wasted on trying to hold onto someone who was only supposed to be with you for a season. Let them go.

There are other people who are like a branch. They make you think they are a friend, that they are strong, but when you step out, they will break and leave you high and dry.

Now pay attention...If you can find you two or three people in your life like the roots at the bottom of the tree, you are blessed. Those people aren't going anywhere. A tree can have a hundred million branches and only a few roots to get what it needs. Without the roots the tree would die. You can cut the whole tree down and the roots will still be trying to send up nourishment and get the tree growing again. Roots are not seen and don't care to be seen. They are there for the tree, to keep the tree grounded, to give the tree what it needs to survive.

Many thanks to Tyler Perry for being so wise! You can find more info on him at www.tylerperry.com

I'll skip past the leaves and branches, I"ve wasted enough time there already. I'm learning to take them for what they are. I've made the mistake of hanging onto leaves and branches. Ah... but each day I get a little smarter. You will be happy to know that most recently I purchased a leaf blower .

To the roots in my life, I am sincerely thankful. You have been such a blessing to me. The storms I have faced, only further showing me how very vital your presence is in my life. Tho the winds many times shredded my tree, you were there to make sure I wasn't lost forever, and for that I am grateful.

Funny Tribe Moments

One of my favorite classes in college was a Philosopy Class taught by Paul Tudico. He is despised among most because he is incrediby witty and challenges every thought good or bad. You best be certain of what you think and believe about things before spending much time around him, because he will question all of it.

NEWAY, so by now I'm sure you know I have six children. During one class discussion my professor was discussing abortion and having children and how having children was polluting the earth. Because he knew of my family size, he directed a comment to me concerning how badly I was pollutting the earth by having children.

"Oh no!", I said, "I've not had six children, I'm a foster parent, I recycle."

(PS I KNOW I"M SOOOO TOTALLY GOING TO HELL FOR THIS ONE, lol)

His name was Iggy

He joined me on one of my visits to the hospital. I, there to work on defending myself against real life monsters, and him, well, I know someone hurt him, I just don't know exactly how. He was so tiny, even to me, sullen and pale. Dead looking really, especially in his eyes. If not for seeing him draw, you could imagine him dead, for that really was the only thing he did that ever promised there might be something behind those eyes.

Day after day, he sat, drawing, never looking, or speaking to anyone. Not his parents, his therapist, or even me. And day after day, I felt drawn to him. His eyes mirrored my own. Sure, I was better at faking it, but him and I, we were the same.

He shuffled from place to place, careful to never draw attention, to blend into the nothingness that would allow him to pretend. The other patients, well, they fumbled and bumbled around, and I, I sat with him.

I spoke to him, talking to him, pretended he was participating, though he didn't. The other kids, they made fun of us both, but really, I didn't care. Teasing words were nothing compared to daddy's angry hands and eyes that never saw me.

A few days later, we sat, as we had over and over, and I chatted with him about nothing, and he ignored. He was drawing an iguana. I said, "Oh what a pretty iguana" and he raised his head, and looked me right in the eyes, and he said in such a quiet voice "His name is Iggy".

Even I, as an emotionally disturbed "teenrager", understood the magnitude of his utterance. Apparently, so did everyone else, because the desk, or rather, everyone standing behind it, froze.

This child, who for years had not spoken to anyone, felt safe enough to speak to me.

Over the next few days I was brought into therapy sessions, as a translator of sorts, one broken child, reaching out to another. I watched his eyes learn to dance. I watched color return to his face. And I can tell you, there was nothing greater than the moment I heard him speak to his mama.

It has been so very long since my days with my sweet little friend, but many more have followed. Broken children, unreachable, for whatever reason, able to hear me, A gift, a blessing amidst pain. Hope for more, for them, and for me.

Fragments

fragmented words

sewn together with strings of tears

pieces formed in broken promises and nothingness

mistakes and misunderstandings

become the very fabric of her

A writing challenge, who I am....

One of the writing groups I'm in had a poetry challenge, using a few of the lines from this poem by Gwendolyn Brooks to make a new one. Here is hers, mine is at the bottom, hope you enjoy!
A SONG IN THE FRONT YARD
by Gwendolyn Brooks
I've stayed in the front yard all my life.
I want a peek at the back
Where it's rough and untended and hungry weed grows.
A girl gets sick of a rose...

I want to go in the back yard now
And maybe down the alley,
To where the charity children play.
I want a good time today.

They do some wonderful things.
The have some wonderful fun.
My mother sneers, but I say it's fine
How they don't have to go in at quarter to nine.
My mother, she tells me that Johnnie Mae
Will grow up to be a bad woman.
That George'll be taken to Jail soon or late
(On account of last winter he sold our back gate).

But I say it's fine Honest, I do
And I'd like to be a bad woman, too,
And wear the brave stocking of night-black lace
And strut down the streets with paint on my face.



AND MY TAKE ON IT.....

Transposed

I play in the back

where its rough and

untended and hungry

weed grows

♦

I long for the front

with pretty flowers

sunshine laughter

where I am my mama knows

♦

I play in the back

where dreams die

untended and hope

is disposed

♦

Please grant me the front

warnings, concern

full belly and heart

who I am transposed

You cannot

Basic necessities, called that for a reason.

I saw this episode of South park once where they were making fun of Sally Struthers. While it was stupid, one thing struck me. During the show, a plane dropped bibles over the dessert. Little starving children ran to the bibles, picked them up, and ate them. They were hungry.

Enough said.

You cannot focus on food for the spirit when you are starving.

You cannot understand the love of a Heavenly father when you have never had the love of a father or mother.

You cannot understand forgiveness when you have never been forgiven.

You cannot understand unconditional love when all you have seen is the greedy kind of love.

Hurt cannot know peace.

Pain cannot know rest.

Loneliness cannot know belonging

Unkindness cannot learn grace.

Think about it. Act on it. Be more.

And when she is quiet...

When she is quiet
she is oh so loud inside.
When she is smiling,
tears soak her pillows.
When she is surrounded by people,
she feels more alone than ever.
And when she has had enough,
of never being enough,
she decides she isn't going to play anymore.
She is going to live,
And laugh,
And love,
without you
Cause while she was quiet
She heard you.
And while she was crying
She saw you
And while you stood close
She figured you out

The Tearing Place

She stands alone
Head high in the clouds
Wrapped in their soft embrace

She hopes alone
arms reach for more
quiet dreaming her escape

She waits alone
Feet painfully nailed
in this tearing place

She sees the sun
Feels it’s warm rays
Yet she cannot break free
wishful feet soaked by rain

Half calm, half scared
Half more, half less
Half everything she wants to be
Half everything she's not

A devil's smile

an angel with a devil's smile


perhaps the other way around


it matters none the less, she says


I'll only bring you down


her wings were clipped so long ago


all she knows is falling


step close enough my sweet friend


from the bottom you'll be calling

Broken Puzzles

BrOKeN PuZzLEs
She is damaged goods,
Long ago broken
by men who will never pay for their crimes.
Long ago lost
to a world she was never brave enough to dream about.
She sits ever so quietly in her room
wishing,
Wishing to look in the mirror
and see more.
A broken puzzle with missing pieces,
She worked ever so hard to put them together
Filling in the holes with hopes for more
Trying desperately to make out who it is she wants to be
But it doesn't matter
Because no one plays with broken puzzles.

You blew in

You blew in
a soft breeze
caressing my war-torn skin
You blew in
reminding not all winds
carried pain
You blew in
just long enough to dry my tears
to clear the air so I could see
you blew away just as fast
just as gently
before I even knew you were gone

What I've learned today 02/14/2010

A woman who I don't know at all, who has become my lifeline in this radical world, suffered a very painful loss today, and I am heartbroken for her.

My latest batch of laundry detergent SUCKS. It makes my clothes feel greasy or something so I am rewashing everything with vinegar.

I can find a million explanations other than what the truth actually is.

If you go bowling after 15 years, you back hurts.

Irish spring smells yummy in laundry detergent.

Things are rarely as they seem, and even less important than we imagine.

There is a blog to print thingamajig which I am thinking of using to print some of my stuff, hmmmm wonder how that will work out?

Someone has gone to JCMC twice as me, I got the bill today from a collection agency. I am not happy. I am fairly certain who it is. Will deal with that tomorrow I guess. AHHHH the consequences of meeting sociopaths and degenerates.

My tolerance level goes down sharply when I am tired.

Petting stinky, but beautiful malamutes, makes you smell like a stinky malamute, lol, you don't get the beautiful!

What I've learned today 02/08/2010

I do not like surround sound, it bugs my ears for some reason.

There are people God has surrounded me with, who hold me up when I am too tired or willing to do on my own.

Smoked pizza is the shiznat!

If you little white child washes her hair in your black neices hair conditioner, it will take atleast three days to get out...not that it's out...I'm just starting a count.

Dish detergent does not help with greasy headedness.

I'm ridiculously honest. I talk to much, tell to much, but in general I feel it does two things...one if I know someone knows what I'm struggling with, I think twice before I do it. And two, time and time again I am contacted by people who struggle with the very same things.


Christine has been sent into my life at a time when I most needed reminding of the ins and outs of parenting the attachment challenged! She wrote and sings the most amazing song about the things we struggle with, it's called What you do with pee.

I am one resilient little focker!

My whispering is giving Jaylin a headache.

If given the opportunity, I can sleep till 1 and still be sleepy!

Dizzy

I fall down, I get back up.
You push me down, still I rise.
I fall down, I scramble upward.
You push me down,
I am tired,
I decide to lay for awhile.
Eventually...I get back up.
Over and over again
A dizzying mix of up and down,
forming a circle I can't free myself from.
Where I'm falling is irrelevant.
Why I'm falling, hard to pinpoint.
It's the getting back up that matters.
Resiliency becomes me.

Another Me

Another me

Another place and time

A new beginning

before yesterday’s nightmares

And today’s mistakes

Strong

and confident

and brave

A me without trepidation

Never little

Eyes wide open

skin without scars

a me to warn others

how to never be me

The weirdness of my life

As a mommy, I sometimes find myself saying the most bizarre things...
Some of my recent favorites are....

How in the world did you guys make such a mess over night???

No you don't have to wear underwear, but you need pants on.

How in fact does a dog six inches high reach a ceiling tile to pull it down?

As long as you are peeing in the house, You are the pee getter of the house, so get started on the mess the puppy just made.

Stop spinning on the cat food lid

No you are not allowed to ride my basket down the stairs, I don't care if your dad thinks it's funny.

Well tell the voices to hush, they are getting on your mother's nerves.

It doesn't really matter how your shirt got soaked in pee, I hear you saying you did not pee on it, but it does have to be washed so hand it over.

Get off the pond, we live in East Tennessee, it's not that frozen. (followed by, Well I guess I'll be driving your soaking wet self to school!)


Who colored the dog?

If you are going to color the dog, atleast use boy colors for the boy dog. Rufus looks silly pink.

Why is your mouth all fizzy?

quickly followed by....

No it's not candy! It's my bath stuff from Kristie!!!!

Stop licking your sister

Will you please god stop burying my spoons????

Ok, who's barking?

Why is there icing in the bag of cat food?

My favorite conversation of the day actually came from my 3 year old nephew, Micah...

Micah "me getting dressed"

Me: Micah say "I'm getting dressed"

Micah "you getting dressed Jessi?"

Me: No Micah I'm not getting dressed, you are.

Micah "yeah me getting dressed"

Me: Say I'm getting dressed Micah.

Jessi is getting dressed...

AHHHHHHH!!!! Me give me give me give!

A simple piece of paper, written for Anna Grace

a simple piece of paper
stuffed under a book
full of words I never knew about
feelings I crave
I wish I could hear you say them
Or really anything at all
A simple piece of paper
scrapes layers of scars
back to the rawness of your loss
back to the hopelessness
a child so close
and a million miles away
growing her own tomatoes,
so I grow some too.
Anything to make me feel closer
Anything to make her real
Not just a kid who once lived here
Not just a story I tell when I am sad
Not anything but her.
My Angel.
My baby of the heart.
Lost to me.
I hope someday I find you.

Hey Eyes

Her eyes
hold a thousand truths
untold secrets
she's never brave enough to say out loud
yet
they were brave enough to look into his eyes
as she whispered
no, not any more
Her eyes
are a map
to worlds lost
and love ached for
Her eyes
Cry tears no one ever sees
and reach for more
Her eyes
a mystery,
seductive,
a fortuitous consequence
of pain and strength
twisted in dark brown circles
begging you
come just a little closer
close enough to hear her whisper
what her eyes can't say....

All or Nothing

I, I am all or nothing.
I keep people out, or I let them in.
I love them, or hate them.
No in betweens.
Not ever.
Some people have figured that out.
They work their way in.
They find all my soft places.
They find all those hidden feelings.
And I let them
because just for a little while
it feels good to not be so alone.
And then they go.
Having found what they wanted,
the chase is no longer fun.
They go.
And I,
I ache.
And I cry,
and I write poems and stories
But I, I move forward.
And they will keep chasing
Never ever finding,
because you can't find pursuit,
it is an act,
not a destination,

Mud

Mud
You,
You see me with mud covered glasses,
feel me with shaky hands,
love me with missing pieces,
and reach for me with broken arms.
But I,
I will wash away the dirt of yesterday,
so you can see the sun.
I will hold your hands steady,
until you find rest.
I will make new pieces,
to fill in all that's been stolen.
And I,
I will step close enough,
so you don't have to reach.

Surprize piggies, busted pipes, and endless meetings

Yes I know how to spell surprise, it just makes me smile to purposefully misspell it.

That aside...

I'm taking a mandatory self prescribed break from spreadsheet hell to write something I enjoy.

The past few days have been trying! We are beginning the inventory process of my mom's house. WOW! I never realized how much stuff was in one room until I had to write down the make, model, type, description and cost of EVERY single item, from appliances to q tips. YIKES! I will most likely have a severe spreadsheet phobia when this is done.

We had a stressful but good meeting with DCS and should be getting more financial help with Jaylin. The state had cut our subsidy this year and with no services appropriate, we are having to create and pay for it privately. I have the most ridiculous expenses being her mother, not to mention the fact that I have a college degree, but am so busy with the chaos that is her life, that work would be impossible. She was a special needs adoption, they are supposed to help, we are finally pressing the issue.

PS, wanna keep a kiddo for a night, or heck even a few hours? She hasn't killed anyone...yet anyway, jokes people, dang, ya'll so serious!

Actually she does well with new, non parent, people so she would likely not be much trouble to you.

The surprize piggies are doing amazing! I love watching them! The white and orange one, which I'm keeping and have named Brillo, is the smartest, it learned to do everything first so far! Yay!

I ended my crap day yesterday with a burst water pipe, amidst my tears though, I got blessed with Mr. Amazing plumber who showed up and fixed everything within an hour! WOW!

I ended my crap day today with a family member in the ER.

I'm super scared about the end of tomorrow, lol.

I'm trying to remember that.

I'm such a worry retard.

I must be so annoying to our good Lord and Savior. I can just imagine Him up there "oh me, there's the worry queen, 1979 addition, stressing about something else she doesn't trust me with".

I'm trying to remember that too.

PS, I think you guys that bother to read me are most kind and I sincerely appreciate it! MUAH!

What I learned today 01-22-2010

You go can from noticing that your guinea pig is pregnant, to having three guinea pig babies, in less than 12 hours.

My mother's fire trauma kitty has no clue what a litter box is, or at least is pretending that.

She is also pregnant.

Tyler Perry's Movie, I can do bad all by myself, is AWESOME.

The song "I can do bad all by myself" by Mary J, is my theme song.

I am not the cat piss sniffer outter I thought I was.

I CAN'T FIND IT!!!! AHHHHH IT'S MAKING ME NUTS

Jaylin does not love me, she loves my noodles.

Spending hours making chicken stock from your friend Talia's recipe, and then getting too overwhelmed with life to put it in the fridge, equals something else to throw in the yard. Boo!

As every other recipe of hers I've made, I'm sure it was delicious.

Livy outsmarted me by hiding her stolen container of icing in the cat food bag.

EWWWW.

cat food and chocolate icing.

again I say...ewww.... and yea in her hurry she let the two mix.

I made it thru an entire major crisis without cutting

Pepperoni and cheese on crackers is heaven when you can't keep food down.

There is a woman in Texas who is very much like me.

Poor woman!

Night all!

Pardon Me

Walking with you


I lost my step


You didn't hold on


into the water I fell


I reached for you


You smacked me away


I cried out for help


You told me to be quiet


I gave you all of me


and it wasn't enough


I wasn't worth saving


I needed you


You needed more


As I come out of the water


all on my own


pardon me if I don't take your hand


you dropped me last time.

You

YOU
so many things
I want to make them
make sense
it would be easier
but never easy
it's never ever easy
dealing with damaged people
and broken promises
and always that never comes
and tomorrow is a dream
never dreamed about
and forever is a joke
but right now,
right now,
I miss you
and right now
I wish you were here
and I wish you could make yesterday irrelevant
and tomorrow hopeful
and
this moment not so meaningful

What I've learned today 01-19-10

Ok so really the honest truth is that I have not been sane enough to write in hmmmm maybe a week so, it's kind of a what I've learned this week sort of write.

Shew, I don't even know where to start!

Let's go with easy...if you spill a gallon of homemade laundry detergent on your kitchen floor, it will be super shiny and slick.

Wet socks have NO traction.

Laundry detergent, which you do not get to wash off for two hours because of a raging kiddo, itches.

A lot.

Hysterachild is easily calmed by a new party entering the scene.

Ok...harder....



Fire which has no place to escape keeps building up pressure, until a window burst, at which point, it "flashes" and goes crazy.

Dryers can melt.

Smoke kills before fire.

One of my mom's cats escaped the fire and hid under a heating unit.


In the same room as melted dryers, a piece of paper artwork can survive under a pile of clothes.

A piece of glass can hold it shape and still be ashes, you only have to touch it to find out.


When you are sad digging thru burnt up things you knew your mother loved, a kitten crawling out of nowhere can make you smile.

Kittens rescued from fire are very loving and thankful.

The aftermath of a fire is overwhelming, even if it wasn't yours.

And it makes you belly hurt.

I can keep a smile for about 12 hours before tears take over, and I can go about five days before my body shuts down and against my will, shuts down.

You can remove the look of fire damage, but not the smell.

Glass can smell.

Seriously.

When everything is dark and scary, God sends people with flashlights.

There is no need which you have, which God will not meet, though it may come from the oddest of places.

And that's all I have to say about that....

Hope is for sissies!

hope (hp)
v. hoped, hop·ing, hopes
v.intr.
1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.
2. Archaic To have confidence; trust.
v.tr.
1. To look forward to with confidence or expectation: We hope that our children will be successful.
2. To expect and desire. See Synonyms at expect.
n.
1. A wish or desire accompanied by confident expectation of its fulfillment.

Among the myriad of things I do each week, three different agencies, for 1-3 times per week each, come into the house to work with Jaylin and our family. It has been a rough couple of months around here between Jaylin's abuse while a patient at Laurel Heights and the holidays. I'm stressed, Jaylin is stressed, our home is well, stressed.

This week one of the workers was here and she asked me, "How do you have hope?".

I DONT.

Hope is for sissies! Hope implies without saying that I believe someday I may be free of pee filled drawers and incessant rocking, lying without reason, and never sleeping. It implies that I believe if I hang on long enough she might just get better, and all of our troubles will be worth it.

I do not understand why my child has to suffer. It at times leaves me curled up in a ball crying, aching for all I cannot protect her from, but I have faith. I know that God is in control. I know He will not give us any task we cannot accomplish. He does not set us up to fail, though at times, I think our definition of success is screwy. I know sometimes my own definition of success leaves me frustrated and overwhelmed...

I love Jaylin just as she is. I rejoice when she makes progress, but I do not expect it. Expectation with chronic illness, leads to disappointment, resentment, anger. I accept her, and every little thing she does to drive me nuts, lol!


There is no hope here.

There is acceptance and faith.

Laundry basket taken into custody

My sweet Little Jaylin, hoarder and thief extraordinaire has been at it again. From hand soap, to make up, to receipts, and the other kids new Christmas toys, things have been disappearing at an alarming rate. I checked and checked her room and couldn't find any of it. Hmmmmm...It appears my little darling has gotten smarter!

Because of the hoarding problem, she has a large laundry basket that she has to keep all of her "possessions" in. It is kept in another room and she has to ask to get things out. It is crammed full of stuff most of us, probably all of us, would assume be thrown away, but it makes her happy, and so, as long as it's contained, I leave it alone.

She was having trouble finding her art stuff today so I was helping her. Lo and behold...the basket was full of all of the missing items, and some I had not even realized were gone!

Instantly, Jaylin begins her yelling, "I did not put your stuff in here" and so on and so forth. She thinks by talking fast and getting loud I will give in and send her to her room...But Mama actually got to sleep last night so... I said "Honey I agree". She looks at me weird. Again starts "seriously mom I didn't take your stuff, I don't know how it got there". "I hear you honey. You are saying you did not take these things" I say almost in a whisper to prevent myself from showing aggravation or sarcasm (thank you Deborah Hage for that trick!)

I give her a minute, she stares at me, looking victorious, "yay Mom was stupid enough to believe me!" her eyes are yelling!

"Well I guess there is only one thing to do" I say, "Basket, you know we do not steal in this house! I am putting you in basket jail until you tell the truth and change your negative behavior! We can't have stealing going on in this house"

And I picked the offending basket up, and locked it in my wardrobe, where it is certain to keep is thieving self under control!

And honestly, the look on her face is priceless.

I smile and tell her I am so sorry her basket has been doing those things and I hope someday soon it can straighten up because I simply did not have time to remove her toys before locking it away....